regret

losing my personal wrestling match with regret tonight. yesterday I made a choice that seemed appropriate for me based on what I believed to be true at the time. today I feel heavy and burdened with second thoughts and doubts in hindsight.

I know better than to indulge in pursuing this line of painful thinking. heck, you all see me write about that all the time! but for whatever reason, I find myself mulling things over and over in my mind, like when I was a kid and lost a tooth and my tongue just couldn't help poking itself into the hollow crater.

The whole battle is internal, between parts of myself. It's not really about the choice I made. It's about not quite yet being able to accept and forgive myself for making it. I know intellectually that the remedy is to bring love and forgiveness to all the voices and pieces that make up the totality of my essence, and yet I have not done it.

wallowing is an interesting thing. I know better, but do it anyway. what's up with that? my pain will linger until my mind decides to jump this track and get back into alignment with thoughts of well being and trusting myself and the universe. pretty simple, really. but I have not yet made the decision to do it.

even though it is my work to know a million and one tricks to help other people release themselves from self-created suffering, here I am, feeling locked inside my own cage! I have to smile a little at the irony of that.

sometimes, the best thing to do is just go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and let sleep work its magic on my thoughts. in the morning, the birds will be singing, the sun will be dancing on my ceiling, and I just might wake up forgetting to be mad at myself.

postscript at dawn the next day:
well, the sun is indeed shining, and there are some cracks in my shell of heaviness which the light will soon penetrate and break open to reveal the tenderness and compassion within. I bet as soon as I take a walk with my friend this morning I'll feel much better. that's my second most reliable trick (sleeping it off being the first) -- listen to someone and pay more attention to them than to my own spinning thinking.

hope you have a good day today, and thank you for being here.

post postscript:
ahhh, the hot water of the shower (my third most reliable trick) seems to have loosened up even more of my awareness. I see more clearly what is keeping me stuck. I'm not trusting the universe at the moment, putting too much pressure on myself to know the outcome of my choices, which is impossible. Basically, the name of this gremlin is impatience. I want to know right now how it will all turn out, or even better, force it to turn out the way I prefer. I want to control and manage far more than is reasonable. And those desires have the same effect on me as if I was banging my poor head against a brick wall. Think I'll head on down the page here and re-read my post from the dating files. you know I write these far more for myself than for you, right? LOL
ta ta for now!