easing off ...

Man oh man, do we parents ever put ourselves in a pressure cooker these days! So many of us think we have to teach our kids important life lessons or .... well, I dunno ... or what?

They'll still be sucking their thumbs in college?

They'll become sociopaths or recluses or criminals?

They'll never get jobs or move away from home?

What is it that we are so afraid of? Why do we place such importance on imparting our wisdom to our children? Sometimes in our frantic state, we do even more than impart ... we impose! We insist that the way that works for us is the ONLY way, and we take extreme measures to make sure our kids board our truth train, even if we must pay a price in our own hearts in order to force them.

I wanted to share an excerpt from an email I wrote recently with you. I hope it still makes sense out of context ... the statements I am responding to are inside asterisks:

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.. that's why I love this statement from Abraham-Hicks: You never get it right and you never get it done.

sort of like dancing - dancers aren't moving around in search of the ultimate pose. they don't find just the right position and then FREEZE there! the beauty is in the motion. the JOY is in the motion. the satisfaction is in creative expression of the moment, just as it is, and then moving on to the next.

so you don't like where you are? great!! maybe life loves you too much to let you freeze in one position - be it mental, physical, or emotional. maybe your discomfort is simply an invitation to motion. once you get the message, you can turn your thoughts to what you might like to try next. and I don't mean that you have to make any kind of dramatic physical change, like leave your husband or job. it could be a mental change or an emotional change or a new idea that you try on for a while and see how it feels.


*I believe with conviction that one reason my son fights with depression and anxiety is because I do. Somehow I taught him this. It makes me feel very bad.*

may I be so bold as to bring an idea over to your fitting room for you to try on and see how it feels?

maybe it's not all your fault honey. maybe your son has his own life plan mapped out, and he is gathering exactly the beliefs and experiences he wants to take with him on his journey. could it be as true or truer that your own struggle with anxiety and depression simply causes you to perceive his experience as one of fighting anxiety and depression? and that someone with different life experiences and filters than you have might look at his life and just call it ... Life?

*But maybe if I can learn to do a better job at self love it will teach him.*

oh wow, good luck with that! that's more pressure than I could ever withstand - I have to get it right before my kid can? makes me feel sorry for my kid, cause chances are that ain't gonna happen in time for him. LOL. if he's waiting for me to figure it out so I can teach him, it might be a long wait! he might have to take care of his own self-love without my example.

I took a terrific workshop this weekend on financial beliefs. I was telling my 16 yr old son about it, and he just laughed, and said 'Mom, what's the problem with money? When I need some, it's there, and when I don't need it, it isn't there!'

And he's right! It IS that way for him. Thank goodness he is not limited to only believing what I believe or can teach!

my kids are not mini-me's. they have their own journeys, expectations, desires, limitations, and blessings. I could and will spend my entire lifetime just getting to know my own journey, expectations, desires, limitations, and blessings - I don't have the time or energy to get to know theirs too! much less try to intervene or manage their life for them.

If my only job was to take care of my own state of mind, I would be busy all day every day. how could I possibly begin to know what is ultimately best for my kids? I am still working on listening to my own inner guidance about what is best for ME!

thank goodness they can do that for themselves. they have their own inner guidance, and as far as I can tell, they are much more in touch with it at their ages than I am at my age right now.

I hope you receive this in the giggly spirit in which I sent it: You are not that important in your son's life! He's working on his own plan. You are just hanging out with him to feed him and shelter him and stuff like that until he can do it for himself.

So don't worry, you cannot hold him back. He's not looking to you to set his pace or direction. He doesn't expect that from you! It's okay to let him work this stuff out while you work your own out.

and by 'your own stuff', I mean simply soothing yourself back into feeling like it's all gonna be okay, and making peace with the motion that is the dance of life. You never get it done and you never get it right, and that's the whole fun of it!

with the next beat of the music, you can move differently if you want. or not. you don't need to worry about taking a wrong step when you remember that there's another step right after that which presents another opportunity to move in a different direction.
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