beyond consequences

wanted to be sure you all heard about this interesting site and book for parents of kids with behavioral issues. I realize that most of you have kids who are boisterous and clever but well within normal limits, however I think their approach generalizes quite well to average kids, too.

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/aboutus.html

For those of you who don't have time to go there and read the articles or get the book, here's my little synopsis:

Kids misbehave when they are overwhelmed in a variety of ways. They regress to earlier and more habitually ingrained types of learned behavior when under stress. Punishing them or applying cold and calculating consequences does nothing to address the root cause of misbehavior. In fact, it has the opposite effect -- it actually increases stress. (not to even mention how many kids spend their 'time out' plotting revenge.)

Inappropriate behavior is a signal that the child has lost control and is unable to regulate his body or mind to stay within appropriate limits. Therefore it follows that the child is in no frame of mind to learn a lesson or make different choices. He needs to cool down first.

They recommend that acting out be addressed by paying attention to what factors might be overtaxing to the child's system, and then either modifying them to reduce the stimulus, or teaching additional coping strategies. Show empathy for the child's frustration while taking an attitude of caring concern and helpfulness rather than anger or blame. When the child has calmed down, you can talk together about how to avoid the explosion next time.

Basically what I get from it is this: Kids don't misbehave because they don't like you or want to tick you off. Most of the time they are not even doing it on purpose. They act out when they cannot figure out anything else to do to release frustration, steam, anxiety or fear. Help them with those issues, and their behavior becomes decent again.

I wholeheartedly agree with their assumption that kids want to behave well under normal circumstances, and that if they are misbehaving, it is for a reason that can be addressed at the root rather than cutting off the branches. We all know how branches have a tendency to sprout new and hardier growth after we prune them!

And you know what ... I betcha this approach works great with adults, too! Wouldn't it be lovely for your honey to cut you some slack next time you are all cranky instead of jumping on you verbally to correct you or call you on it, or getting defensive? How much would you love hearing this in response to some snarky comment you make: "Oh, you must have had a hard day today. Can I do anything to help you?"

nice, huh? Let me know what happens if you decide to try it ...

hmmm

Maybe there's a good reason you want it.

-- Alan Cohen

When you think about it, desire is a very personal thing. I don't mean the sexual kind of desire, but the feeling of wishing or wanting or longing for some thing or experience. Sometimes we assume that EVERYONE shares our desires ... for example, doesn't everyone want to work from home, make a lot of money, and drive a nice car?

Nope. I personally know more than a few people who expressly do not want any of the above. Yes ... truly!

What you want is unique to you. You are the only one with your particular combination of likes, dislikes, preferences, dreams, and goals. Don't take that for granted or diminish its importance. Perhaps the universe has a use for you and your particular gifts, and is harnessing your desire to entice you into being in the right place at the right time so you can do the right thing.

(case in point: One time I had a massive and irrepressible craving for Death by Chocolate ice cream, which is unusual for me, and I can only get it at one store in town. So feeling sort of sheepish, I traipsed over there. I immediately ran into not one but two people I had not seen for years.)

Want to try an experiment just for today? See how it feels to assume that your longings or desires are actually sacred. Not evidence or your inner greed or lust or envy, but holy markers along the path to your purpose for being here. You can always go back to assuming that desires are base drives to be overcome or transcended tomorrow if you want.

But be warned ... you just might find that it feels good to honor every part of you in this way. Try sitting with that feeling of 'wanting', making friends with it, getting to know it, welcoming it into your awareness. Maybe even loving it.

I don't think it is a very big jump to link desire with life force itself ... the only time we stop wanting something (like oxygen, for instance ...) is when we are dead! actually, I don't know for sure if it even stops then, but that's as far as I can track it for now.

Maybe there is a good reason why you want it, and maybe you will never know what that reason is. But it might be kind of fun to speculate, and to let yourself off the hook every once in a while ...

inspiring greatness

The real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.

-- G.K. Chesterton

this quote reminds me of my grandpa, John Alonge. When he was in his 90's, he started taking Spanish lessons because he wanted to be able to say thank you to the housekeeping and dining room staff at the independent senior living complex where he was residing. He also got himself an email account and took computer instruction so he could participate in the family communication loop.

My grandpa had a smile and friendly word for everyone he met, participating equally as enthusiastically in a conversation with the mayor as with the salesperson at the shoe store. Circulation issues in his legs created weakness and pain, but he never let it stop him from his appointed social rounds ... chatting it up with the other residents, leaving a trail of beaming faces behind him. One day I asked him how he was feeling, and he said cheerfully, "My top half feels terrific!"

here's to you grandpa! You were a great man indeed.

two heads are better than one ...

“I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.”

—Woodrow Wilson

the giving tree

I am immersed in an intense challenge/opportunity these days which is consuming lots of my attention. An arrangement that I thought was a sure thing has collapsed. Silly of me, I know, to have slipped back into believing anything in life could actually be a SURE thing! How perfectly human of me.

Of course in the back of my mind I knew all along that the deal could go south, and I do believe that this change is part of a benevolent conspiracy on my behalf, but in the meantime, a massive leap of faith seems to be required of me. And I am having varying degrees of success mustering up the courage to jump. I keep wanting to force a solution so I can relax; tie it all up neatly in a bundle with a pretty bow and know just how it will all turn out.

As I say to my clients sometimes: good luck with that!

today I went googling for visual inspiration, and look what showed up:

the mighty and massive redwood tree

begins as this tiny little seedling (photo by Mark M. Mills)


... a more than adequate reminder that miracles happen every day, and that sometimes they require time to manifest in full splendor. The spirit of the redwood sings to me, "Patience, my child. Patience."

When I grow up, I want to be a tree. Mostly because all they do is just stay in one place and be themselves, and everything they need to grow and thrive comes to them. They don't have to go out and peruse the want ads for rain or sun or soil. They grow stronger through adversity - the more they learn to surrender to the force and direction of the wind, the stronger and more resilient they become.

Trees appear to die each winter, but it is just an illusion. There is life within them despite all indications to the contrary. When the conditions are proper, Life will come out from its hiding place and reveal itself again in brilliant green, tightly wound buds of pure potential.

Leaves grow and die and fall, and the tree does not kick and scream or argue or try to hold on to them - it must know somewhere deep in its roots that there will be more to come. The whole tree benefits from a good pruning; cutting away the limbs that are less than healthy strengthens the remaining branches.

And when its natural life cycle is finished, it offers its physical body as a contribution; becoming a home for other creatures, and eventually food for other living things. At every stage of its life, its individual existence is a gift to the magnificent Whole.

I wonder sometimes if it might possibly be that simple for me, too, if my mind and fears and control tactics did not get in the way and inhibit the natural flowing of life through me ...

imagine what would happen to the tree if it could think that it might make a mistake, or if it decided to manage its growth process by mapping out an action plan. could it ever hope to duplicate the perfection of the blueprint nature has painstakingly included in every cell of its being?

How likely is it that I was born less well equipped than a tree ... that my cells could lack the required information to support a perfect unfolding of my own life? Maybe I will just go sit in the sun for a while this afternoon and see what happens ...

math that matters

The quality of your life equals the ratio of appreciation to complaint.

-Alan Cohen