the little engine that could

You know how sometimes people have recurring dreams or nightmares? Well, I have recurring insights. Every time I figure out some new concept related to my thinking or my experience of life, I get really excited and think I'm onto something really big.

And then I remember, "Wait, this seems kinda familiar. Did I think of this already?"

Maybe for me, it takes numerous ah-ha experiences for a realization to become anchored. Until those insights reach critical density, every time the thought surfaces in my awareness, it just floats right away on the prevailing current.

well, anyhoo, here's my latest turn on the merry-go-round. Who knows, maybe this time it will stay put?

I was talking to a friend yesterday who shamefully confessed that her most grievous personality flaw was that she was critical and judgmental. I, too, have a well developed ability to notice what is wrong, incongruent, or simply not working. And as icing on top of that cake, I'm far more arrogant than my friend, and I don't even think of this quality that we share as a flaw!

But she does, bless her heart, and she's constantly battling with herself, attempting to subdue her critical thinking. Can you imagine how disheartening it would be to constantly be swimming upstream against the current of your own temperament? Yikes. It exhausts me to even think about it.

So I listened, and empathized, and tried to normalize her inner tendencies by revealing that I had them too. I told her how strong I thought she was to have been fighting this inner battle for so many years.

I myself mostly gave up on stopping that train of thought years ago. I am far weaker than her, and not at all optimistic that I can stand on the track with my hand up and the giant locomotive of habitual thinking with years and years of momentum fueling it will just STOP. So instead of stopping it, I got this idea to just try rearranging the tracks a little bit - sort of create a curve that leads off into another direction so gently that the train hardly even notices.

So here's how my thought train sounds now, clickety clacking down the line:

He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - How should he do that instead? - What do I think would work better? - What would I do differently if I was him? - Why would I do it that way? - Can I really be sure it would work better for him to do it my way? - When it's my turn to make the choice I'll do it my way - Hey, look at that pretty bird (I'm frightfully distractable) - Glad I thought about how I'll do that if I ever get the chance - What's for dinner?

Here's the train chugging down the track in the fitting room:

I hate this dress on me - This dress looks terrible - I could never wear this dress - What do I hate about it? - Oh, the cut - What style would I like better? - I know, more fitted at the waist! - A fittted style would look much better on me - I'll leave this dress here and go ask the salesperson if they have any other styles.

Yeah, it starts with judgment. And then slowly but surely, it ends up pulling into a far more positive station, one where I don't mind getting off the train and resting a bit.

Okay, so here's my big aha. We've all heard that we are not supposed to judge. Most of the religions I know about give us a hefty dose of that advice. But here's the thing. Two things, actually.

One, it's not because judging is wrong and not judging is right and we'll be weighed and measured after we die and punished if we did it too much. It's because judging hurts our own feelings right in the moment we are doing it. Before it even gets to the other person, we've hurt ourselves. (oooh, cold hard corollary here: If I think I have been hurt by someone's judgment of me, I need to look again! It actually only hurts if I agree with their assessment. Truth is, I can only be hurt from the inside. This is where arrogance is really an asset! )

And two, we were meant to include ourselves in that recommendation; judging ourselves for being judgmental only intensifies our suffering. Forgiving ourselves, apologizing to others if necessary, and gently redirecting our course one railroad tie at a time feels a lot better and is more likely to be effective.

In his wonderful book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz recommends that we not even take the thoughts we hear in our own minds personally. Let 'em come, let 'em go, and then intentionally choose our actions based on our values. When we conduct our personal business in this way, judgmental thoughts are not a problem to be eliminated. They become like our own personal fireworks show-- entertaining us with a big bang and a colorful display before they twinkle and fade away.