true values

As I was browsing the archives of my postcards, searching for one to reprint for our upcoming parenting class, I came across this article that I wrote in 2002. I was happy to realize that I've made some changes in myself since writing it, and also grateful for the reminder that I have a few more to go.

Greetings!

It has come to my attention recently that sometimes actions are a more accurate indicator of values and intentions than words. Yeah, I feel kinda sheepish (and amazed) that I've made it this far in life without understanding this. And as it sinks in a little deeper, I may even need to change the word sometimes to usually or even almost always.

An example: A friend tells me she'd really like to get together sometime, but then doesn't return my calls or emails. Prior to this new awareness, I would have just assumed that she was simply too busy to respond, but I'd have believed that she really did want to get together. So I'd keep trying to connect with her.

But now I'm beginning to understand that maybe people's actions carry more meaning than their words. I'm noticing that most of us rarely forget to do the things that are truly important to us. Like it or not, our actions do reveal our true intentions and values. (even when I have a very busy day planned, I don't forget to take a shower. Personal hygiene is one of my values.)

It's not that it's a big deal that she hasn't made me a priority. We all have so many people and projects clamoring for our attention. We simply can't give every single one of them top billing. So this is not a personal affront, it's just the way life is today.

But for whatever reason, most of us don't admit that we've chosen other priorities. Instead we say one thing and then do another. We say we'll call, but we don't. So when action and words send different messages, I'm learning to listen to the actions.

Since I've begun to get this, I've taken a step outside of my own bubble and become curious about what I look like from the outside. Especially to my kids.

When they grow up, what will they remember as being important to their mother? Will it be what I said was important, or what I acted upon?

I get a little squirmy when I think about it. Which is great, because that uncomfortable feeling tells me that my words and actions are incongruent in some places.

Just for fun, I've been looking at myself as if I were in a silent movie. What do my actions say about what I value? Do I follow through on my intentions? Am I demonstrating and living the things that matter to me?

In fact, what does matter to me?

Here's a quick way to hone in on your values, in case you aren't sure what they are: Which of your ideals are you willing to endorse by taking personal action?

For example, if nonviolence is important to me, I'll put down my book when I see my children hitting each other and intervene. If I value honesty, my kids will see me go out of my way to return a lost wallet or the extra change given in error by a cashier. Action follows our true values like day follows night.

The squirmy part comes in when I say something is important but don't do anything about it. Or worse, when I do something like give my kids a lecture about the importance of healthy food five minutes after snarfing some chocolate from my secret stash.

The kids may never know, but I do. I feel the lack of congruence within myself, and it drains me. (I shudder to think how much time and energy I've spent hiding junk food from the kids so I could eat it myself when they weren't looking. Ack!)

There are two ways to bring myself back into alignment in those situations. Keep the value and live it, or admit that it's not really a value and stop pretending or wishing that it was. Being one of those who is sorely lacking in willpower, option #2 is probably the best choice for me.

So with the help of my silent movie cam, I'm going to overhaul my perception of my values. My last postcard inspired me to take another look at what I thought was true for me. (did you know that I learn from these postcards, too? They're kind of like notes to myself from another part of myself.)

Maybe I don't value a healthy diet as much as I value a moderate intake of many kinds of foods, including chocolate.

Maybe I've been spouting off the values I took on from some very well-educated nutritionist in a book I read years ago. I am pretty susceptible to believing in concepts that appear to be healthy, sane, safe or well-researched.

But I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps those criteria are not as useful as I thought when creating a personal value. Maybe the only criterion that counts is whether I'm willing to back it up with action or not.

I'll use seat belts for my internal reference point. There's not a shred of doubt in my mind that those are important. Not only do I require my passengers to buckle up, but I myself never drive without wearing one. So since that's real, congruent, and supported by action, it qualifies as a true value. (hey, wouldn't that be a great name for a hardware store?)

This could be quite an interesting process. I'm a little nervous about it. How much of what I thought was important to me will remain so? If you decide to do the same thing, will you write in and let me know how it goes for you? It's nice to have companions on journeys such as these.

take care,
karen
(ps: did you know I have an archive of my past articles on my website? www.karenalonge.com and click on postcards from nowhere or postcards for parents.)