bedtime prayer

Not many people know that I was raised Catholic. Liberal Catholic, with guitar masses and really hip religious education. One time we spent the whole class listening to Barry Manilow's song The Miracle is YOU! and talking about what miracles we all are. It was pretty cool.

My mom did everything about religion right, in my opinion. She never forced us to go to church, but she went every Sunday, and I usually tagged along because she was all dressed up and smelled so nice and I wanted to be with her. These days, even though I no longer practice any religion, I still think we are all miracles. And I still remember dozens of songs from those guitar masses, and find comfort in them.

So when I found myself writing to a religious friend whose father had recently passed away that I would keep his family in my prayers, I had a brief moment of consternation. 'Wait a second," I thought, "I don't pray!" And I don't, not in the traditional sort of way. I guess it's just sort of shorthand for saying, "I'll be thinking fondly and supportively of you guys, and sending extra love and attention your way."

This whole line of thought incited a flashback to the bedtime prayer that we said every night when we were kids. I think I was in my late 20's before I realized that my mom had done some serious editing of the original. She was WAY ahead of her time, (still is, in fact!) and when I remembered this today I was stunned at the depth of insight and understanding that she expressed so beautifully. She blessed our little beings every night for years by sending us off to sleep with visions of optimism, service, and gratitude dancing in our heads. I want to share it with you all because it's just too good to die off with the three of us. Mom, you are amazing!

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

When in the morning light I wake,
Show me the path of love to take.

God bless Mommy and Daddy,
God bless Karen, CJ, and Paul,
God bless all our friends and relatives.

Thank you for a very nice day.

chillin' with the billin'

I've been doing something sort of weird lately. Well, let's get real .... I do a lot of weird things all the time! This one's about money.

Paying bills used to suck for me. I would sit down with a big ol' pile of 'em and a very small checking account balance, and start juggling accounts and transfers and due dates, often hedging my bets by mailing a check in before I had earned the money to cover it. It worked - I always made the deposit in time and have never bounced a check. But, lemme tell you, it was freakin' stressful.

Then I read a tip in one of those prosperity consciousness books, probably Busting Loose from the Money Game.

Now I make bill paying an event. I gather up my favorite calculator, my big purple gel pen, a nice cool beverage, and put on some music. Then I open each bill, and read the itemized statement. If I see a charge for Target, for example, I think fondly back to that errand and remember what I bought, appreciating the joy or efficiency or nourishment that each item has contributed to my life.

If I can't remember exactly what I bought, I just remember the feeling of putting things I want into my cart, and the joy of seeing abundance in my cupboards or new clothes in my closet. If it's the electric bill, I think about how comfortable my house is, and how much I love having light at the flip of a switch. If it's the water bill, I appreciate my long hot showers and indoor plumbing.

Then, while feeling awash in gratitude, I write that check. And in the memo line, I write a big THANKS!! in my purple pen, and underline it for emphasis. Then I seal it with a kiss, and add it to my pile of outgoing mail.

It sounds kinda silly, but this simple little change in my routine has made a huge impact on my attitude toward bills.

Instead of dreading feeling the pinch of money going out, I revel in the richness of abundance that has come in. And without even noticing it, I have eased my way into not needing to do the transfer game anymore.

Now the money is already there when I need it... sometimes there's even some left over! Might be a coincidence. I dunno. But I can't deny that long before I noticed that the money was where I needed it to be, I was feeling much better about paying bills. And how can that be a bad thing?

the little engine that could

You know how sometimes people have recurring dreams or nightmares? Well, I have recurring insights. Every time I figure out some new concept related to my thinking or my experience of life, I get really excited and think I'm onto something really big.

And then I remember, "Wait, this seems kinda familiar. Did I think of this already?"

Maybe for me, it takes numerous ah-ha experiences for a realization to become anchored. Until those insights reach critical density, every time the thought surfaces in my awareness, it just floats right away on the prevailing current.

well, anyhoo, here's my latest turn on the merry-go-round. Who knows, maybe this time it will stay put?

I was talking to a friend yesterday who shamefully confessed that her most grievous personality flaw was that she was critical and judgmental. I, too, have a well developed ability to notice what is wrong, incongruent, or simply not working. And as icing on top of that cake, I'm far more arrogant than my friend, and I don't even think of this quality that we share as a flaw!

But she does, bless her heart, and she's constantly battling with herself, attempting to subdue her critical thinking. Can you imagine how disheartening it would be to constantly be swimming upstream against the current of your own temperament? Yikes. It exhausts me to even think about it.

So I listened, and empathized, and tried to normalize her inner tendencies by revealing that I had them too. I told her how strong I thought she was to have been fighting this inner battle for so many years.

I myself mostly gave up on stopping that train of thought years ago. I am far weaker than her, and not at all optimistic that I can stand on the track with my hand up and the giant locomotive of habitual thinking with years and years of momentum fueling it will just STOP. So instead of stopping it, I got this idea to just try rearranging the tracks a little bit - sort of create a curve that leads off into another direction so gently that the train hardly even notices.

So here's how my thought train sounds now, clickety clacking down the line:

He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - How should he do that instead? - What do I think would work better? - What would I do differently if I was him? - Why would I do it that way? - Can I really be sure it would work better for him to do it my way? - When it's my turn to make the choice I'll do it my way - Hey, look at that pretty bird (I'm frightfully distractable) - Glad I thought about how I'll do that if I ever get the chance - What's for dinner?

Here's the train chugging down the track in the fitting room:

I hate this dress on me - This dress looks terrible - I could never wear this dress - What do I hate about it? - Oh, the cut - What style would I like better? - I know, more fitted at the waist! - A fittted style would look much better on me - I'll leave this dress here and go ask the salesperson if they have any other styles.

Yeah, it starts with judgment. And then slowly but surely, it ends up pulling into a far more positive station, one where I don't mind getting off the train and resting a bit.

Okay, so here's my big aha. We've all heard that we are not supposed to judge. Most of the religions I know about give us a hefty dose of that advice. But here's the thing. Two things, actually.

One, it's not because judging is wrong and not judging is right and we'll be weighed and measured after we die and punished if we did it too much. It's because judging hurts our own feelings right in the moment we are doing it. Before it even gets to the other person, we've hurt ourselves. (oooh, cold hard corollary here: If I think I have been hurt by someone's judgment of me, I need to look again! It actually only hurts if I agree with their assessment. Truth is, I can only be hurt from the inside. This is where arrogance is really an asset! )

And two, we were meant to include ourselves in that recommendation; judging ourselves for being judgmental only intensifies our suffering. Forgiving ourselves, apologizing to others if necessary, and gently redirecting our course one railroad tie at a time feels a lot better and is more likely to be effective.

In his wonderful book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz recommends that we not even take the thoughts we hear in our own minds personally. Let 'em come, let 'em go, and then intentionally choose our actions based on our values. When we conduct our personal business in this way, judgmental thoughts are not a problem to be eliminated. They become like our own personal fireworks show-- entertaining us with a big bang and a colorful display before they twinkle and fade away.

raindrops keep falling on my head

from www.dailyOM.com:

When we simply allow ourselves to fully feel our feelings as they come, we tend to let them go easily. This is all we are required to do; our feelings simply want to be felt. We often complicate the situation by applying mental energy in the form of analysis, when all we really need is to allow, as the earth allows the rain to fall upon it. As the rain falls, the earth responds in a multitude of ways, sometimes emptying out to form a great canyon, sometimes soaking it up to nourish an infinitude of plants. In the same way, the deeper purpose of our feelings is to transform the terrain of our inner world, sometimes creating space for more feelings to flow, sometimes providing sustenance for growth. All we need to do is allow the process by relaxing, opening, and receiving the bounty of our emotions.

words

my daughter is going into 8th grade, which has gotta be one of Dante's levels of hell. She sure is suffering while she works things out for herself socially. All I can do is rub her back and dry her tears and witness the fury and pain as it releases from her system. She rights herself much more quickly than I remember doing at her age. Heck, who am I kidding -- she's quicker than I am even now!!

While searching for some kind of lifeline to throw to her, I remembered a three part guideline I heard somewhere years ago, a sort of algorithm that helps us decide to speak or not. Thought I'd write it here since I will surely need to refer back to it myself:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

I think if I applied this filter, I'd be talking a whole lot less. True is not so much of a problem. Kind seems pretty clear too. I myself get real hung up on necessary. Necessary for what? For self-expression? For intimacy? For growth? For entertainment? Sometimes those seem to conflict with each other.

I suppose like most things, I just have to try it and see what happens. Maybe my mind is trying to make this more complicated than it really is. Maybe it's sort of like a Zen koan -- the gift is in the process of asking the question, not in the answer.

ps: quick update: I printed these three questions out several times in tiny font and left the page on her desk without a word. She came downstairs later and showed me with a shy grin that she had taped them to both her cell phone and her computer screen. Bless this kid's heart. She's gonna do just fine ...