relationship life preservers

I just finished writing a marathon email to a friend whose husband has more or less checked out of their marriage and is ignoring her. I wanted to share it with you, too, in case it resonates with anyone.

~

Now that I'm back at my computer and thinking clearly, I wanted to share one more relationship idea. It's radical, and you may feel kinda repulsed by it, so I'll just throw it out there trusting that you will either pitch it out or experiment with it as you see fit.

I guess it's based on a few premises which might seem really silly when you first hear them. Even if they sound like crap, it might be worth an experiment. At the risk of dangerous oversimplification, I'll try to describe them briefly.

Most men need a mission in life. They are wired to feel good when they make a difference or accomplish something. When they feel aimless or useless for whatever reason, and that reason might have nothing at all to do with their relationship, they can sort of implode into depression.

This might sound really stupid, but I haven't yet met a man who did not thrive on feeling like his woman's hero. Of course that has nothing to do with income, competence, or anything material. It's emotional. They want to know that they have something unique and powerful to offer to their lover. And they do, or we would not have chosen them. Sometimes they need to be reminded about what that is when they have lost sight of it.

The woman who loves him can sometimes offer a temporary lifeline into feeling like a hero again with two strategies: speaking only gratitude, and asking for their help.

These are sort of "medicinal" strategies; applied in specific doses to support a healing from within. You are right that we cannot truly bring anyone out of depression or change them.

These are just life preserver rings that we throw out into the water. We feel better having something to try, and he may just grab hold of one and pull himself to the side of the boat.

So the life preservers might look like this: when he gets home, the first thing he hears is that you are happy to see him. If that's not even true at this point, then maybe it's true that your daughter is happy to see him, so you say that with sincerity.

Then you might ask for his help on something for dinner. The request is really straightforward. "Honey, will you mash those potatoes for me?" If he does it, great. You don't help him or make suggestions or comments, even if he does it completely wrong.

When he's done, you say a warm and simple thank you. All the better if it is accompanied by a kiss, a gentle touch on the shoulder, or at least eye contact.

If he doesn't do it, that's fine too. You were planning on doing it yourself anyway, so you just take care of it.

The rest of the night goes this way. Mostly gratitude and appreciative comments, sprinkled with an occasional request, which is offered in complete neutrality only one time. If he does it, he hears more gratitude. If not, you just do it with no comment.

If you honestly can't find one thing to appreciate, then don't say anything until you can. If you have to dig, you could look for something he did around the house back when he was feeling good, like, "Wow, I feel so lucky to have this terrific deck that you made for us,"or whatever.

The whole time you are taking care of yourself emotionally, listening to yourself, acknowledging your feelings internally, and doing whatever it takes to unilaterally calm your own anxiety or anger. When you need to vent some steam, do it with girlfriends.

A few days of this might help him to let his guard down a little bit and show some vulnerability or emotion. If he does, you'll want to meet his disclosures with as much understanding as you can. One way to do that is to simply repeat what you think he is expressing back to him, and wait for his confirmation, and ask if there's more. Then ask if you can share your feelings about it before doing so.

Even if he does not open or soften, it might be good medicine for you, anyway. We always feel better when we focus our attention on finding things to appreciate, and it takes our minds off of noticing what is so painfully wrong.

Yes, it can take a LOT of discipline to do this. And if I know only one thing about you it's that you are a powerful woman! Even if all you can muster is one appreciative comment in an evening of otherwise gentle and accepting silence, it's still something.

so anyway, sorry, that was pretty long. I'll shut up now and just say that I am wishing you both all the best.



Karen Alonge
720 771 8915
www.karenalonge.com
Contact me to schedule a parenting consultation by phone,
or to register for Connected Parenting classes near Boulder, CO.

canon in D as interpreted by a parent of young children

sorry, I tried to embed it so you could play it here but I can't get it to work right:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

hiding

three blog posts in one day - can you tell I'm cleaning up my inbox?

I wrote this note to myself a while ago, planning to flesh it out into an article.
When I re-read it just now, I decided it's perfect exactly as it is:

hiding = suffering
we suffer when we try to manage what others think about us
we suffer when we try to control their thinking
we suffer when we try to hide our 'flaws'
who cannot relate when we admit to being flawed?
show it, own it, apologize for it if necessary, and suffering ends
stop trying to be who you are not

true values

As I was browsing the archives of my postcards, searching for one to reprint for our upcoming parenting class, I came across this article that I wrote in 2002. I was happy to realize that I've made some changes in myself since writing it, and also grateful for the reminder that I have a few more to go.

Greetings!

It has come to my attention recently that sometimes actions are a more accurate indicator of values and intentions than words. Yeah, I feel kinda sheepish (and amazed) that I've made it this far in life without understanding this. And as it sinks in a little deeper, I may even need to change the word sometimes to usually or even almost always.

An example: A friend tells me she'd really like to get together sometime, but then doesn't return my calls or emails. Prior to this new awareness, I would have just assumed that she was simply too busy to respond, but I'd have believed that she really did want to get together. So I'd keep trying to connect with her.

But now I'm beginning to understand that maybe people's actions carry more meaning than their words. I'm noticing that most of us rarely forget to do the things that are truly important to us. Like it or not, our actions do reveal our true intentions and values. (even when I have a very busy day planned, I don't forget to take a shower. Personal hygiene is one of my values.)

It's not that it's a big deal that she hasn't made me a priority. We all have so many people and projects clamoring for our attention. We simply can't give every single one of them top billing. So this is not a personal affront, it's just the way life is today.

But for whatever reason, most of us don't admit that we've chosen other priorities. Instead we say one thing and then do another. We say we'll call, but we don't. So when action and words send different messages, I'm learning to listen to the actions.

Since I've begun to get this, I've taken a step outside of my own bubble and become curious about what I look like from the outside. Especially to my kids.

When they grow up, what will they remember as being important to their mother? Will it be what I said was important, or what I acted upon?

I get a little squirmy when I think about it. Which is great, because that uncomfortable feeling tells me that my words and actions are incongruent in some places.

Just for fun, I've been looking at myself as if I were in a silent movie. What do my actions say about what I value? Do I follow through on my intentions? Am I demonstrating and living the things that matter to me?

In fact, what does matter to me?

Here's a quick way to hone in on your values, in case you aren't sure what they are: Which of your ideals are you willing to endorse by taking personal action?

For example, if nonviolence is important to me, I'll put down my book when I see my children hitting each other and intervene. If I value honesty, my kids will see me go out of my way to return a lost wallet or the extra change given in error by a cashier. Action follows our true values like day follows night.

The squirmy part comes in when I say something is important but don't do anything about it. Or worse, when I do something like give my kids a lecture about the importance of healthy food five minutes after snarfing some chocolate from my secret stash.

The kids may never know, but I do. I feel the lack of congruence within myself, and it drains me. (I shudder to think how much time and energy I've spent hiding junk food from the kids so I could eat it myself when they weren't looking. Ack!)

There are two ways to bring myself back into alignment in those situations. Keep the value and live it, or admit that it's not really a value and stop pretending or wishing that it was. Being one of those who is sorely lacking in willpower, option #2 is probably the best choice for me.

So with the help of my silent movie cam, I'm going to overhaul my perception of my values. My last postcard inspired me to take another look at what I thought was true for me. (did you know that I learn from these postcards, too? They're kind of like notes to myself from another part of myself.)

Maybe I don't value a healthy diet as much as I value a moderate intake of many kinds of foods, including chocolate.

Maybe I've been spouting off the values I took on from some very well-educated nutritionist in a book I read years ago. I am pretty susceptible to believing in concepts that appear to be healthy, sane, safe or well-researched.

But I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps those criteria are not as useful as I thought when creating a personal value. Maybe the only criterion that counts is whether I'm willing to back it up with action or not.

I'll use seat belts for my internal reference point. There's not a shred of doubt in my mind that those are important. Not only do I require my passengers to buckle up, but I myself never drive without wearing one. So since that's real, congruent, and supported by action, it qualifies as a true value. (hey, wouldn't that be a great name for a hardware store?)

This could be quite an interesting process. I'm a little nervous about it. How much of what I thought was important to me will remain so? If you decide to do the same thing, will you write in and let me know how it goes for you? It's nice to have companions on journeys such as these.

take care,
karen
(ps: did you know I have an archive of my past articles on my website? www.karenalonge.com and click on postcards from nowhere or postcards for parents.)

one space after a period?!?!

oh man, things like this freak me out. Did everyone but me know that we are no longer supposed to be putting two spaces after periods? It was practically beaten into my muscle memory in typing class 27 years ago, and just today I stumbled upon the news that it's now considered unnecessary and inefficient. ALL THESE YEARS I never noticed that websites, newspapers, and magazines all use only one space. And to think I call myself a writer! Sheesh. Here, check this out while I try to recover from the shock of it all:

http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/CMS_FAQ/OneSpaceorTwo/OneSpaceorTwo02.html

http://desktoppub.about.com/cs/typespacing/a/onetwospaces.htm

http://adamsdrafting.com/system/2006/10/30/one-space-or-two/

Who knows how many other grammar violations I'm committing on a regular basis!? I'm almost as discombobulated by this as I was when I recently learned that "costed" is not a real word. And yes, I still use it! Daily. (Just like I still use sentence fragments, too.)

Okay, here's how it's gonna go: I am going to continue to write whatever the heck I want, and leave it up to people who want to publish it to clean it up for me. If you are conversing with me and you don't know that costed means the same thing as cost, well, that's just too bad.

Hi, my name is Karen, and I'm a functional ...okay, wait ... I was gonna say functional illiterate, which I always thought meant that you were basically illiterate but could still function in daily life. AND THAT'S WRONG TOO!!! I just looked it up. It means you CAN'T function. OMG.

I think I better just quit right now, and go over to the Grammar Girl site http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/default.aspx . The sad thing is, I bet I'll forget just about everything I learn there!

(Sigh) This is very humbling. I was a straight A student, and even won awards for my writing. What happened to me? Oh yeah, that's right. I stopped caring about being proper and starting taking poetic license. LOL. Maybe I got a little carried away. Might be too late to turn back now.

To all of you who know and care about this stuff, my sincere apologies. I hope you can overlook the form and still appreciate the content.

I suppose if you are still with me, then maybe you already have.

:)karen