notes to a parent

Just came from a parenting consultation home visit. As I was summarizing some key points from our session to email to her, it occurred to me that even though it's out of context, maybe other parents might benefit from reading it. So here it is:

- It's okay for you to have needs!! Needs are part of the human experience.

(In our Connected Parenting classes, we teach the ABC's of Five Core Needs: Autonomy, Basic Essentials like food, water and safety, Connection, Contribution, and Creativity.)

We all get snarky when we go too long without getting these core needs met, and then we aren't the kind of parent, spouse or friend that we want to be. Therefore, consider yourself Permitted to find ways to meet those needs! (And there are plenty of ways to take care of yourself without compromising your values as a parent, so it's not an All or Nothing situation. There's quite a range of possibilities between having baby in bed with you and letting baby cry it out alone for hours.)

- Parents are giving their children a powerful gift when they acknowledge their own human needs, as well as their children's, with neutral matter-of-fact acceptance, rather than hiding them because they seem like weaknesses. Modeling has a greater impact than anything else we do as parents. It's wonderful for our kids to experience the joy and connection that happens while we brainstorm creative ways for both parties to get their needs met. That's a major life skill that will serve them well.

- Baby steps! Big changes can happen in small increments. When you want to make a change or try a new experiment, it's okay to take it slow. Look for the smallest possible step, one that is so small that it almost doesn't even register on your radar screen as a change. A step that makes you say, Sure, no problem! I can do that easily!! For example, if you want to help the baby start learning to soothe himself a bit, wait just 3 seconds longer than you usually do before going to him when he starts fussing. Try it out, and see how it goes.

When it feels like you are ready for more, look for the next smallest possible adjustment and make that one. Maybe try waiting 4 seconds. And continue on in this effortless way until you are where you want to be.

My friend has a needlepoint on her kitchen wall of a saying that's been in her family for generations: Yard by yard, life is hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch! I find it strangely comforting in a cheesy sort of way.

- Work your way up to full contact. Start with the smallest intervention when wanting to soothe your child. Rather than immediately picking him up when he fusses a bit, first try talking or singing, moving yourself within view so he can see you, looking into his eyes and smiling, a gentle touch, and rubbing his back or feet or head. And then go right ahead and pick him up if none of that has helped to soothe him. Being present for our children in these progressive steps is a wonderful way to foster healthy attachment - your child experiences you as available, attentive, and responsive, and he also gets the opportunity to gently expand his self-soothing abilities.

- Remember to breathe deeply. Allow yourself at least one calming deep breath before taking a soothing action for your child. Actions are more effective when they spring from a place of inner alignment. (and oxygenation!)

- It's all yoga. Kids bring us to our edges every day. Parenting is the ultimate asana! When we are at our edge emotionally or mentally -- the place where we think we can't stand it a second longer -- we don't always have to run away. Sometimes we can stay there and breathe a bit, and we may find we can go a little deeper, or we may decide to retreat. Either choice is okay. It's the deep breath that allows us to decide rather than react.

- You are the expert on your child. No author, professor, therapist, or consultant can trump what you know about yourself and your children. Consider what you hear or read and see if it resonates with your own inner guidance and intuition. If it makes it through that filter, then experiment with it. If it is not effective, or the price you or your child pay feels too high, then pitch it out and try something else.


I hope this has been helpful! I work with parents all over the country via telephone consultations, so please keep me in mind if you know a parent who is seeking some assistance. There's more information on my website: www.karenalonge.com


warmly,
karen

heal thyself

The fierce wind is whirling leaves around in my yard like crazy today. Thoughts are spinning in my head just like the leaves. Maybe writing will help them settle down.

First, have I told you lately how much I loved the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? What a fantastic read. I feel as if she's a friend of mine. I guess that's the hallmark of great writing for me - personal vulnerability, exposing the thoughts and the journey that make us all human, finding kinship in the shared experience. I went to the author's website and liked her even more. What a gem.

Next up, this whole healing thing. I've written before about Len Hew and his ho'oponopono (http://www.hooponopono.org/Articles/100_percent_responsible.html).

It's coming around again in my consciousness. Some of you know I'm trained in the Yuen Method, as well as a few other healing modalities. I've been feeling somewhat burdened lately by my knowledge - there are so many who are suffering, and there just aren't enough hours in the day to try to help all of them. Besides, I'm getting kinda tired.

So I was thinking about kind of going on strike. (A strike ... against my own expectations of myself? Brilliant, huh? I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.) As a protest, maybe I'd take a job that involved manual labor - no contact with people, no thinking, just action on autopilot. It started sounding like a relief.

Thank goodness I came across ho'oponopono again. I'm finding such great comfort in it. I gotta warn you, it's fringe. Very fringe. But so am I, so it works for me. Check this out:

Manipulation happens when I (as a therapist) come from the idea that you are ill and I am going to work on you. On the other hand, it's not manipulation if I realize that you are coming to me to give me a chance to look at what's going on in me. There's a big difference.

One paragraph and I am free again. I got confused for a while there, and thought I needed to heal others. But there is no Other. It's just as futile as trying to change a movie by manipulating the screen. I am the projector. That's where change happens.

So I'm feeling revitalized by this reminder about where to focus. Someone comes to me in emotional pain? I look inside for my own and bring love to that part of myself. Anger, depression, addiction, suffering ... all can be only be transformed at the projector. And yes, people do feel better as a result. It's just that my focus is on me, not them. That just works much better for my narcisstic temperament.

People in my awareness are giving me the gift of acting as my screen so I can see what my projector is creating. It's not unlike the turnarounds in The Work of Byron Katie. I see someone smoking and wish he wouldn't? I go inside my own mind, and look for my own addictions, and work to repair those. That's where the healing happens - not by helping him to change. Physician, heal thyself.

So really, there's only ONE client on my roster. Me. Pretty simple, right? Still a full time job - not because I'm excessively messed up, but because my awareness is very refined, and I feel the pain I inflict upon myself when I judge. And because I keep getting confused about the projector and the screen.

For the moment at least, those whirling thoughts have settled down, and I feel clear. Thanks for listening.

more quotes I like from alan cohen

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you make or dark images you hold about yourself and even defend. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.



All limits exist only in the mind, and it is only in the mind that they can be overcome.

All of your errors have not built a wall against your success. They have paved your way to it.

Anything good for you brings out the best in you and does not force you to make believe you are something you are not.

At any moment you have two voices in our head: one that tells you that you can’t, and another that tells you that you can. Which will prove true? The one you give the most attention to. The one you act on. The one you make a stand for.

No matter what has happened, let today be new.

Outlandish ideas move the world ahead far more powerfully than logical steps. An outrageous imagination is ultimately the most practical contribution.

Preparing to live is not living. Don’t miss this moment ― it’s all you ever dreamed of.

Somehow it all works out.

The quality of your life equals the ratio of appreciation to complaint.

lots more here:

http://www.alancohen.com/Quotes/quotesbyalancohen1.htm

blog carnivals

Blog carnivals are listings of links to blog entries by various people centered on a theme. This week, I'm in the Carnival of Family Life:
http://www.reallifeblog.net/2007/10/carnival-of-family-life.html