a heart that has room

I've been searching the Web to no avail for a quote I remember reading approximately ten years ago. If you recognize it, will you let me know who deserves credit? I think it goes something like this:

A heart that has room for even one enemy is not a safe place for a friend.

As usual, I could quibble with some of it. But for the most part, I think it makes sense. Have you ever had the experience of listening to a friend complain about or belittle someone who was not present, and felt yourself wondering what she says about YOU in your absence?

I think this quote is speaking to something most of us are intuitively aware of: it doesn't feel good to be judged. Yes, judgment seems to be part of the human package. We all do it to some degree. And I've seen people hold and present their judgments in a variety of ways. Some are more comfortable for me to relate to than others.

Perhaps a few oversimplified definitions could be useful here. When I say judgment, I'm talking about ways of describing, evaluating, packaging, and attributing intention to others which imply that someone is bad, wrong, less than, or stupid. The kind of judgment I am talking about holds others at a distance. In effect, it says "You are doing something I would never do," and "You are not like me."

To my way of thinking, judgment's counterpart is acceptance, which I define as compassionate understanding. It means we realize that under similar circumstances, beliefs, and conditions, we too may have made that decision or taken that action.

Acceptance does not stand above the choices of others and evalute them; it gracefully allows each of us to find our own way and to learn from our own experiences. It respects our common humanity.

It says, "It's okay, it happens, I understand."

It asks, "How can we repair our relationship/restore the balance/return to love together in the Now?"

It has no interest in identifying right from wrong, or separating us. It puts love first. It shines a spotlight on what we have in common.

My quibbles with the quote? Well, if we understand that sometimes people stand in judgment and create separation and enemies because they need to do this to feel better about themselves, then we have found a way to embrace them compassionately even as they judge.

If people believe in a black and white world with clear lines between right and wrong, then doesn't it make sense that they would want to be firmly on the side of Right? And that they would want us to know where they stand? I'm sure I would feel that way. In fact, I'm sure I have felt that way.

Using this awareness to think about the folks who gossip, criticize, or evaluate, we no longer feel vulnerable to their judgment. It becomes clear that it's not even about us. After a certain point in our personal development, we no longer need a guarantee of non-judgment to feel safe.

We no longer hold back our love or friendship, because we know that doing so hurts only ourselves. Others can judge us all they want, and we can embrace them without needing to separate ourselves from them with the thought or words: "I would never judge someone like that!" (Ironic, isn't it? To judge someone for judging others is still judgment.)

The sword of judgment is a heavy one. Eventually, it cuts the hand that wields it. Those who so vehemently judge others rarely escape unscathed -- during quiet moments in the dark of night, they turn the sword upon themselves.

When I remember this, my heart opens wide again. Only Beings in great pain would feel such a need to strike out at others. Striking back at them serves no kind or loving purpose, and simply perpetuates the chain of pain.

Acceptance doesn't mean we all become doormats. We can still exercise discernment, which to me is different than judgment.

Judgment says, "You are bad or wrong or mistaken and I refuse to accept you."

Discernment says, "I don't feel good right here, and I think I will step back a bit until I feel like myself again. You are fine just as you are, and I can enjoy you better from a little bit farther away."

It's late and I'm tired and not at all sure any of this will make sense in the morning! But it wanted to be written tonight, so for whatever it's worth, there you go.

*******
It's morning now, and I'm still not sure this post will make sense to anyone other than me. I do hope it's obvious that my musings reflect only my experience. For me, it is painful to stand in judgment of myself or others. It hurts to create separation by evaluation; to disapprove, condescend, or scold, or to think I could know or do better than they have.

Being human, of course I still do it anyway, and it hurts every time. Sometimes I notice right away, sometimes I don't. I always feel much better when I let my love, approval, attention, and energy flow freely again.

Of course that won't be true for everyone. I trust you to sort out whatever resonates with your experience in my words, and simply discard the rest.

ps: my son graduated from boot camp, and me, my mom, and my daughter were there to see it! he's back home now for a couple weeks, working in the local recruiting office before he reports for duty in Grand Haven, MI. My thanks to all of you who sent kind words and good wishes!

there's hope ...

No matter what is going on in world affairs, we still have more in common with each other than not. Check out this video of some guy named Matt dancing a silly dance with people all over the world, ranging from indigenous New Guinea dudes in full tribal regalia to Japanese schoolgirls. It's a real slice of humanity, and I bet it will bring a smile to your face.

http://www.vimeo.com/1211060

get service

loved this kinda cheesy yet poignant YouTube video:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE

chokes me up every time ...

in motion

A few months ago I started noticing that my body wanted to stretch constantly. My fingers feel stiff and constrained unless they can stretch out and explore the full range of motion. My wrists are no longer content to just stay in position over the keyboard -- they want to roll around and explore other options.

My arms want to extend and twist and swing widely while I walk. My feet and legs are happiest when bouncing or rolling back and forth. I feel almost addicted to exploratory movement; testing the limits, trying to feel muscles that I haven't sensed before, seeing how far I can expand and contract.

I've had all kinds of weird symptoms since getting rear-ended this winter, so I just went with this motion thing and didn't think too much of it until my osteopath made a comment that generated a flash of understanding: "We want your system to MOVE under stress, not to lock down."

I'm starting to suspect that this desire for constant motion may actually be an indication of health. All the various therapies I've received since the accident (massage, cranial, pilates, etc) may have released me from some old bodily patterns of holding and tension. With the old habits gone, my body is free to play and experiment.

I can feel tension building up inside me these days, and it feels so good to release it by moving. It doesn't take much -- just the subtle clenching and relaxation of a fist -- to shift from stuck and stagnant to fluid and free. Frequently, when one muscle group gets to play, the others want to join in, and I end up in a full body stretch.

I am surprised at how quickly the tension seems to build up and I need to move again. My marathon writing sessions may be a thing of the past (although sitting on a big bouncy ball at my desk buys me some time before I have to get up again ...)

This makes me wonder about kids who are diagnosed with ADHD. What if our bodies are actually designed to be in constant motion? Maybe certain folks are just unable to suppress their natural instincts, and couldn't that actually be a really healthy thing?

I think maybe we could do better than simply medicating them into stillness -- perhaps we could start by giving them all bouncy balls to sit on, and experiments to learn from instead of just books and lectures, and lots of fresh air and sunshine and opportunities to expand and express motion. I'm aware that ADHD is probably more complicated than that, but I still find it entertaining to ponder transforming supposed liabilities into assets by changing the context. Surely we can find some useful outlet for that abundant energy supply!

I imagine there's some sort of mental/emotional corollary to this exploratory movement thing, and it may reveal itself to me down the road a bit. Or perhaps my mind has been in constant motion for a long time, and my body is just now catching up. Anyway, for now, I'm just happy to be fidgeting and stretching and bouncing and enjoying inhabiting a body that can do so many interesting and rewarding tricks.

love yourself for it

Found this in Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology column today, so I'm not sure if the quote is accurately attributed or not. I am sure that I deeply resonate with it, as long as we change a few words. I'll tell you what they are after you read it first ....

"The only way to get a difficult feeling to go away is simply to love yourself for it," says author Christiane Northrup. "If you think you're stupid, then love yourself for feeling that way. It's a paradox, but it works. To heal, you must . . . shine the light of compassion on any areas within you that you feel are unacceptable."

Let's replace The only way with One way, and To heal you must with Try experimenting with. Okay, that's better. Now I feel more comfy passing it on ...

Wait a sec, there's more. We don't need to get difficult feelings to "go away." They do that by themselves. So let's take that out too. How about this:

Experiment with loving yourself for feeling whatever way you feel at the moment, and shining the light of your own compassion on any areas within you that feel unacceptable.

Much better. :)

new beginnings

So, I've been seeing someone. Those of you who've been reading the commentary here on my blog might enjoy knowing that you witnessed the birth of my relationship with he-who-shall-remain-anonymous. Turns out he was someone local who I've been casually acquainted with for several years.

I've been sharing my thoughts, time, and attention with him more than with you lately, and that trend may continue for a little while. Interacting and relating with him has definitely expanded my experience and perception in lots of new directions, and no doubt I'll feel compelled to share what I'm learning with you all at some point soon.

For now, I'm off to spend my birthday morning doing one of my favorite activities - visiting with my 93 year old friend Adelle.

:)

love first

Have you seen that bumper sticker that says Love First?

It works as a reminder for me on multiple levels: Put love at top of the priority list. Love before you do or say anything else. Love yourself first. Wait until you feel love before doing or saying anything else.

The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), a self-administered acupressure technique that helps to restore disrupted energy patterns that impact our health and emotional well being, always starts with a setup phrase: Even though I ____, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and all of my feelings.

The blank can be filled in with anything; have this headache, feel this rage, this grief, this shame, this sore toe, or this jumping out of my skin feeling. The technique continues with several other steps, but I usually start feeling better after tapping on just this one phrase.

While I've been working through some personal issues these past few days, I've been trying to pay close attention to what is happening to see if I can figure out what is causing my suffering. (The word suffering is overly dramatic there - it's more like mild angst. But it still bugs me.)

It seems to go like this: an outer circumstance or piece of information triggers enters my awareness. It triggers a reaction in me depending on where it lands and how sensitive that territory is already. If it's a reaction I'm okay with, it passes through me pretty quickly and is gone.

If I am NOT okay with my reaction - if I judge it as inappropriate or unacceptable in some way, I compound the original reaction with self-recrimination, and the whole thing starts snowballing. Feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad ... well, you get the idea.

What seems to interrupt the snowball effect is that EFT phrase: Even though I am not proud of how I am feeling right now, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and all my feelings.

It might even be a bald-faced lie at the moment, because I'm probably NOT accepting all my feelings, but that's okay. It still works, because saying this reminds me that it is possible. It's like programming my inner GPS with a destination. I may not already be there, but at least I know which direction to go.

gotta dash, may write more later. EFT is easy to learn, and if you are interested, there are tons of free tutorials at www.emofree.com.

deciding, 2

My no outcome, no future, just yes or no in the moment experiment is being put to a tough test right now.

Yesterday my daughter and her friend wanted to go to the mall. Normally, I just take a break from whatever I'm doing and drive them, but yesterday, I didn't want to.

I double checked internally - is this a firm No or can it be shifted? It was firm. So I told her I didn't want to drive, and suggested maybe it was a good day for them to learn how to take the city bus.

We got online and checked the maps and schedule. The stop is only a block from our house, so that was easy. We had driven past the stop at the mall many times, so that was easy, too. They set off a bit nervously, exact change in hand, and planned to be back by seven. I returned to my project.

At six, she texted me to ask if I would just pick them up. I checked in with myself again - yes or no? Still No. I told her I still didn't want to drive, and asked if she could dig deep and just take the bus back home.

At 6:30, my phone rang. "He dropped us off in the middle of nowhere." I feel panic rising up in my throat, but I keep my voice low and calm. "Okay, honey, look around. What do you see?" We quickly determine that they took the southbound, not the northbound, and have ended up at the Park 'n Ride the next town over.

She wants me to come pick them up. I check in with myself a third time, and am somewhat dismayed to find it is STILL a No. Part of me says maybe it's important not to rush to her rescue; that she will gain confidence by figuring out how to use the bus system to get home.

So, mustering every ounce of maternal determination, I tell her I will try, by phone, to help her read the schedule that is posted at the bus stop. She is angry and scared, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. I convey my confidence that they can figure this out, and she hangs up before I've quite finished my last sentence.

I texted her fifteen minutes later to see if they'd made it onto a bus, and received a terse Yes in response. When they finally arrived at home, I was on the phone with a client. My daughter grabbed her sleepover stuff and left before I could connect with her, so I called to see how it went.

A narrative of public transportation hell followed:

- Three different busdrivers had been too annoyed or busy to help them, and she and her friend did not know who else to trust.

- A group of older men remained at the stop in the middle of nowhere after everyone else had left, and sat there smoking and leering at them. She and her friend were trying to figure out where they would run to if they needed to escape, and decided there was nowhere to go.

- When the bus finally came, the girls jumped on with relief and the driver promptly exited to take a ten minute break, leaving them alone with a mentally ill woman who sat across from them saying things like, "There's no food in the house, so we'll have to kill Anne's mother." I must admit I was kinda impressed with this woman's resourcefulness, but my daughter was not amused. Instead she broke down into tears as she was telling me about it and sobbed, "Mom, it was all just too much for me. I never want to ride the bus again. I wish you would have just come and picked us up when I asked you."

Ouch. I heard the voice of guilt, muttering and pacing near the door of my heart, waiting for an invitation to come in. Why didn't you just go get them? Look what your laziness caused! You should have known they were too young to handle this. What if they'd been kidnapped or raped? What kind of mother are you? You left them out there alone and scared! They were easy prey!

I checked back over the preceding events, asking myself if I had ignored any inner promptings that told me to go pick them up, and I truly had not. I had played my part, reading only the lines that were in my heart in each moment, and since I did not have access to the whole script, I do not know why it needed to go that way or what greater purpose it served.

So maybe after sleeping on it, my daughter and her friend will find the humor in the situation. Maybe the fear of what could have happened will dissipate a bit and they will feel some confidence in how they handled things.

Or maybe they will be furious and blame the whole mess on me because I did not pick them up! I don't know, and that's okay, because I don't need to know. I feel strangely confident that I can navigate it as it comes up, and it will all turn out okay in the end. I wonder if maybe this is how it feels to trust Life?

postscript, 3 pm: just finally connected with my daughter today, and asked if she had recovered. she said in the most casual way - Mom, it's almost like it never even happened. It was so bad yesterday, and today, it's nothing. But I'm still not excited about riding the bus. Thank goodness she seems to have inherited my selective memory! So it all did turn out okay in the end. Plus, my colleague gave me some great suggestions for how to debrief the girls in a way that helps them to give themselves proper credit for how resourceful they were under stress. It's all good.

post postscript, a week later: The girls just took the bus to the mall. It was their idea. They did fine even though they had to figure out some scheduling stuff on the fly, and the whole thing was no big deal. No tears, no drama, no trauma. I'm relieved that it came full circle so quickly and painlessly.

Note to self: The yes-or-no-in-the-moment method of decision making still seems to be a good one.