the importance of solitude

posted this recently on my other blog, www.advice-for-parents.com
thought you might enjoy it.

I'm a stressed-out stay at home mom of 3 kids (ages 9, 6 and 3) and feel exhausted. My patience is shorter than ever and I need some advice on how to recharge and be a better mom, which to me means being more patient, more willing to answer question after question, and finding more effective ways to deal with many parenting issues that come up each day.

On the day I received this email, I had gotten up early to enjoy several uninterrupted hours in the mountains, and was stunned at how much better I felt, even though I was already feeling pretty good before I went.

So ... for this mom, I have one word of advice.

Actually, three words:

Solitude is critical.

Raising kids is sort of like being devoured by small piranhas. They'll eat you alive one little bite at a time with their constant questions and requests and need for attention. And it's not their job to notice that we need a break and give it to us!

We need to take responsibility for realizing that we are burning out, and take care of ourselves by retreating into solitude. We don't have to go to a spa or get a massage or do anything exotic with that time. It's unbelievably refreshing just to be quiet; to finish a thought without interruption, to move at our natural pace, to let our minds and bodies settle into stillness, and to have no agenda except honoring our own impulses.

It doesn't even take that much time to recharge. A couple hours is usually enough for me. But those hours have to be absolutely mine -- no cell phone, no visits with friends, no paying bills or running errands, no accomplishing anything or being productive.

All else being equal, I like to get out of my house and into nature, preferably near some running water. The details don't really matter. What's important is that we all need time alone. Parents of young children need it even more than the rest of us, but often have a harder time finding it.

No parenting advice or technique will be helpful if you are too burned out to apply it. To instantly and organically improve your parenting, calm your mind and settle your soul by taking some time for yourself.

deciding, 2

My no outcome, no future, just yes or no in the moment experiment is being put to a tough test right now.

Yesterday my daughter and her friend wanted to go to the mall. Normally, I just take a break from whatever I'm doing and drive them, but yesterday, I didn't want to.

I double checked internally - is this a firm No or can it be shifted? It was firm. So I told her I didn't want to drive, and suggested maybe it was a good day for them to learn how to take the city bus.

We got online and checked the maps and schedule. The stop is only a block from our house, so that was easy. We had driven past the stop at the mall many times, so that was easy, too. They set off a bit nervously, exact change in hand, and planned to be back by seven. I returned to my project.

At six, she texted me to ask if I would just pick them up. I checked in with myself again - yes or no? Still No. I told her I still didn't want to drive, and asked if she could dig deep and just take the bus back home.

At 6:30, my phone rang. "He dropped us off in the middle of nowhere." I feel panic rising up in my throat, but I keep my voice low and calm. "Okay, honey, look around. What do you see?" We quickly determine that they took the southbound, not the northbound, and have ended up at the Park 'n Ride the next town over.

She wants me to come pick them up. I check in with myself a third time, and am somewhat dismayed to find it is STILL a No. Part of me says maybe it's important not to rush to her rescue; that she will gain confidence by figuring out how to use the bus system to get home.

So, mustering every ounce of maternal determination, I tell her I will try, by phone, to help her read the schedule that is posted at the bus stop. She is angry and scared, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. I convey my confidence that they can figure this out, and she hangs up before I've quite finished my last sentence.

I texted her fifteen minutes later to see if they'd made it onto a bus, and received a terse Yes in response. When they finally arrived at home, I was on the phone with a client. My daughter grabbed her sleepover stuff and left before I could connect with her, so I called to see how it went.

A narrative of public transportation hell followed:

- Three different busdrivers had been too annoyed or busy to help them, and she and her friend did not know who else to trust.

- A group of older men remained at the stop in the middle of nowhere after everyone else had left, and sat there smoking and leering at them. She and her friend were trying to figure out where they would run to if they needed to escape, and decided there was nowhere to go.

- When the bus finally came, the girls jumped on with relief and the driver promptly exited to take a ten minute break, leaving them alone with a mentally ill woman who sat across from them saying things like, "There's no food in the house, so we'll have to kill Anne's mother." I must admit I was kinda impressed with this woman's resourcefulness, but my daughter was not amused. Instead she broke down into tears as she was telling me about it and sobbed, "Mom, it was all just too much for me. I never want to ride the bus again. I wish you would have just come and picked us up when I asked you."

Ouch. I heard the voice of guilt, muttering and pacing near the door of my heart, waiting for an invitation to come in. Why didn't you just go get them? Look what your laziness caused! You should have known they were too young to handle this. What if they'd been kidnapped or raped? What kind of mother are you? You left them out there alone and scared! They were easy prey!

I checked back over the preceding events, asking myself if I had ignored any inner promptings that told me to go pick them up, and I truly had not. I had played my part, reading only the lines that were in my heart in each moment, and since I did not have access to the whole script, I do not know why it needed to go that way or what greater purpose it served.

So maybe after sleeping on it, my daughter and her friend will find the humor in the situation. Maybe the fear of what could have happened will dissipate a bit and they will feel some confidence in how they handled things.

Or maybe they will be furious and blame the whole mess on me because I did not pick them up! I don't know, and that's okay, because I don't need to know. I feel strangely confident that I can navigate it as it comes up, and it will all turn out okay in the end. I wonder if maybe this is how it feels to trust Life?

postscript, 3 pm: just finally connected with my daughter today, and asked if she had recovered. she said in the most casual way - Mom, it's almost like it never even happened. It was so bad yesterday, and today, it's nothing. But I'm still not excited about riding the bus. Thank goodness she seems to have inherited my selective memory! So it all did turn out okay in the end. Plus, my colleague gave me some great suggestions for how to debrief the girls in a way that helps them to give themselves proper credit for how resourceful they were under stress. It's all good.

post postscript, a week later: The girls just took the bus to the mall. It was their idea. They did fine even though they had to figure out some scheduling stuff on the fly, and the whole thing was no big deal. No tears, no drama, no trauma. I'm relieved that it came full circle so quickly and painlessly.

Note to self: The yes-or-no-in-the-moment method of decision making still seems to be a good one.

a mother's heart

I took my 17 year old son to join the Coast Guard tonight. That's him and me and my daughter at his graduation a couple weeks ago.

It surprises me that hours later, I am still crying. I thought I'd just say goodbye and turn my attention to the next thing. I know he is prepared. We were all prepared. I knew this day was coming for months in advance. Years, really.

I willingly signed the papers that allowed him to join before age 18. So it should have been no big deal, right?

Ha. Right. I never knew I had so many tears in me. I can't quite explain what is going on behind the waterworks - it feels like some kind of primal maternal grief. It makes no sense, but that doesn't seem to matter.

My boy is now a man.

My role has changed forever.

And I will miss him. That goofy earnest grin, thumping down the stairs on that impossibly noisy body. The pocket knives being snapped open and closed ad infinitum. The overly technical explanations of all things computer that I could hardly understand a word of.

The Coast Guard will be so lucky to have him. Ever since he was a little guy, he was always willing to drop anything to help someone. We moved a few weeks ago, during the time that he was preparing his final presentation for his high school graduation. Nevertheless, he provided solo tech support and heavy lifting for me and his sister. He had so many tasks of his own to complete, but the second he got wind of the teensiest curse emanating from the vicinity of my desk, he was at my side, ready to assist.

It seems like yesterday that I first looked into his newborn eyes and was shocked to realize that there was someone already in there, not just an empty vessel waiting to be filled. I can't believe 17 years could possibly have passed since then. They have been wonderful years, truly. I love my son with all my heart, and I could not be prouder of the man he has made of himself.

I know I have said this before, but perhaps it bears repeating. The active parenting years fly by. Few of us, parent and child alike, will remember the details. But your children will remember some things after they are grown: things like whether you approved of them, trusted in them, or gave them the benefit of the doubt.

They will remember whether you had confidence in them or not, and whether you saw their good intentions. They will remember if it was safe to tell you everything. They will remember the tone of your voice.

In fact, it's entirely possible that not only will our children remember the tone of our voices, but they may even hear our words to them repeated in their own minds for many years after they have left our care.

So today, while your kids are young and making so many mistakes as they figure out how things work, please be aware of how you speak to them. You still have time to make sure that when they leave your nest, you will feel good about the inner parent they have created from your example. And while you may still cry as they walk confidently away, your tears will be those of pure and simple sadness, untainted by regret.

And how interesting that as I write these words, my tears have finally stopped. For truly, I have no regrets. For this I can thank the many excellent authors and mentors who graced my parenting journey with the wisdom of their experience, as well as my own mother, who so gracefully continues to be the source of a parenting template based on unconditional love and respect.

Oh, and I can also thank my very shoddy and selective memory, since it has not stored up anything I am ashamed of for me to remember. Except that one time, when he was a toddler and in a very defiant phase, when I snapped and swatted his bottom. I felt terrible - that look in his eyes was devastating. Until that moment, he had trusted me implicitly. For the first time that day, I saw him fear me. Ouchie.

If you find some memories that you regret, too, it's never too late to make amends. Tell your child of any age what happened, how you feel about what you did, and what you wish you had done instead. Ask about their memories, their feelings, and their experiences related to that. Ask for their forgiveness, and forgive yourself. Then move on. We are all doing the best we can in any given moment.

Goodbye T. Good luck (even though you won't need it.)

It's time for you to fly.

postscript: what a difference 24 hours makes! there's something magical for me about expressing my feelings in writing. once I have fine tuned the words so that they feel like the exact expression of my feelings, the feelings themselves seem to dissipate. maybe the ink holds them instead of my heart -- I dunno. What I do know is that I felt immeasurably better when I went to bed last night, and the trend has continued. So in a way, the words above are already lies, because my experience has changed. But I'll leave them here anyway, in case they resonate with someone else someday.

he's leaving the nest

to read my thoughts about my son getting ready to graduate and enlist, click here to go to my other blog, http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/03/hes-leaving-nest.html

tips for helping kids who are non-traditional learners

there is some amazing content here. wish I would have seen this years ago, when my kids were in elementary school ...
http://www.diannecraft.org/tutoringinstructions.html

notes to a parent

Just came from a parenting consultation home visit. As I was summarizing some key points from our session to email to her, it occurred to me that even though it's out of context, maybe other parents might benefit from reading it. So here it is:

- It's okay for you to have needs!! Needs are part of the human experience.

(In our Connected Parenting classes, we teach the ABC's of Five Core Needs: Autonomy, Basic Essentials like food, water and safety, Connection, Contribution, and Creativity.)

We all get snarky when we go too long without getting these core needs met, and then we aren't the kind of parent, spouse or friend that we want to be. Therefore, consider yourself Permitted to find ways to meet those needs! (And there are plenty of ways to take care of yourself without compromising your values as a parent, so it's not an All or Nothing situation. There's quite a range of possibilities between having baby in bed with you and letting baby cry it out alone for hours.)

- Parents are giving their children a powerful gift when they acknowledge their own human needs, as well as their children's, with neutral matter-of-fact acceptance, rather than hiding them because they seem like weaknesses. Modeling has a greater impact than anything else we do as parents. It's wonderful for our kids to experience the joy and connection that happens while we brainstorm creative ways for both parties to get their needs met. That's a major life skill that will serve them well.

- Baby steps! Big changes can happen in small increments. When you want to make a change or try a new experiment, it's okay to take it slow. Look for the smallest possible step, one that is so small that it almost doesn't even register on your radar screen as a change. A step that makes you say, Sure, no problem! I can do that easily!! For example, if you want to help the baby start learning to soothe himself a bit, wait just 3 seconds longer than you usually do before going to him when he starts fussing. Try it out, and see how it goes.

When it feels like you are ready for more, look for the next smallest possible adjustment and make that one. Maybe try waiting 4 seconds. And continue on in this effortless way until you are where you want to be.

My friend has a needlepoint on her kitchen wall of a saying that's been in her family for generations: Yard by yard, life is hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch! I find it strangely comforting in a cheesy sort of way.

- Work your way up to full contact. Start with the smallest intervention when wanting to soothe your child. Rather than immediately picking him up when he fusses a bit, first try talking or singing, moving yourself within view so he can see you, looking into his eyes and smiling, a gentle touch, and rubbing his back or feet or head. And then go right ahead and pick him up if none of that has helped to soothe him. Being present for our children in these progressive steps is a wonderful way to foster healthy attachment - your child experiences you as available, attentive, and responsive, and he also gets the opportunity to gently expand his self-soothing abilities.

- Remember to breathe deeply. Allow yourself at least one calming deep breath before taking a soothing action for your child. Actions are more effective when they spring from a place of inner alignment. (and oxygenation!)

- It's all yoga. Kids bring us to our edges every day. Parenting is the ultimate asana! When we are at our edge emotionally or mentally -- the place where we think we can't stand it a second longer -- we don't always have to run away. Sometimes we can stay there and breathe a bit, and we may find we can go a little deeper, or we may decide to retreat. Either choice is okay. It's the deep breath that allows us to decide rather than react.

- You are the expert on your child. No author, professor, therapist, or consultant can trump what you know about yourself and your children. Consider what you hear or read and see if it resonates with your own inner guidance and intuition. If it makes it through that filter, then experiment with it. If it is not effective, or the price you or your child pay feels too high, then pitch it out and try something else.


I hope this has been helpful! I work with parents all over the country via telephone consultations, so please keep me in mind if you know a parent who is seeking some assistance. There's more information on my website: www.karenalonge.com


warmly,
karen

canon in D as interpreted by a parent of young children

sorry, I tried to embed it so you could play it here but I can't get it to work right:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

true values

As I was browsing the archives of my postcards, searching for one to reprint for our upcoming parenting class, I came across this article that I wrote in 2002. I was happy to realize that I've made some changes in myself since writing it, and also grateful for the reminder that I have a few more to go.

Greetings!

It has come to my attention recently that sometimes actions are a more accurate indicator of values and intentions than words. Yeah, I feel kinda sheepish (and amazed) that I've made it this far in life without understanding this. And as it sinks in a little deeper, I may even need to change the word sometimes to usually or even almost always.

An example: A friend tells me she'd really like to get together sometime, but then doesn't return my calls or emails. Prior to this new awareness, I would have just assumed that she was simply too busy to respond, but I'd have believed that she really did want to get together. So I'd keep trying to connect with her.

But now I'm beginning to understand that maybe people's actions carry more meaning than their words. I'm noticing that most of us rarely forget to do the things that are truly important to us. Like it or not, our actions do reveal our true intentions and values. (even when I have a very busy day planned, I don't forget to take a shower. Personal hygiene is one of my values.)

It's not that it's a big deal that she hasn't made me a priority. We all have so many people and projects clamoring for our attention. We simply can't give every single one of them top billing. So this is not a personal affront, it's just the way life is today.

But for whatever reason, most of us don't admit that we've chosen other priorities. Instead we say one thing and then do another. We say we'll call, but we don't. So when action and words send different messages, I'm learning to listen to the actions.

Since I've begun to get this, I've taken a step outside of my own bubble and become curious about what I look like from the outside. Especially to my kids.

When they grow up, what will they remember as being important to their mother? Will it be what I said was important, or what I acted upon?

I get a little squirmy when I think about it. Which is great, because that uncomfortable feeling tells me that my words and actions are incongruent in some places.

Just for fun, I've been looking at myself as if I were in a silent movie. What do my actions say about what I value? Do I follow through on my intentions? Am I demonstrating and living the things that matter to me?

In fact, what does matter to me?

Here's a quick way to hone in on your values, in case you aren't sure what they are: Which of your ideals are you willing to endorse by taking personal action?

For example, if nonviolence is important to me, I'll put down my book when I see my children hitting each other and intervene. If I value honesty, my kids will see me go out of my way to return a lost wallet or the extra change given in error by a cashier. Action follows our true values like day follows night.

The squirmy part comes in when I say something is important but don't do anything about it. Or worse, when I do something like give my kids a lecture about the importance of healthy food five minutes after snarfing some chocolate from my secret stash.

The kids may never know, but I do. I feel the lack of congruence within myself, and it drains me. (I shudder to think how much time and energy I've spent hiding junk food from the kids so I could eat it myself when they weren't looking. Ack!)

There are two ways to bring myself back into alignment in those situations. Keep the value and live it, or admit that it's not really a value and stop pretending or wishing that it was. Being one of those who is sorely lacking in willpower, option #2 is probably the best choice for me.

So with the help of my silent movie cam, I'm going to overhaul my perception of my values. My last postcard inspired me to take another look at what I thought was true for me. (did you know that I learn from these postcards, too? They're kind of like notes to myself from another part of myself.)

Maybe I don't value a healthy diet as much as I value a moderate intake of many kinds of foods, including chocolate.

Maybe I've been spouting off the values I took on from some very well-educated nutritionist in a book I read years ago. I am pretty susceptible to believing in concepts that appear to be healthy, sane, safe or well-researched.

But I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps those criteria are not as useful as I thought when creating a personal value. Maybe the only criterion that counts is whether I'm willing to back it up with action or not.

I'll use seat belts for my internal reference point. There's not a shred of doubt in my mind that those are important. Not only do I require my passengers to buckle up, but I myself never drive without wearing one. So since that's real, congruent, and supported by action, it qualifies as a true value. (hey, wouldn't that be a great name for a hardware store?)

This could be quite an interesting process. I'm a little nervous about it. How much of what I thought was important to me will remain so? If you decide to do the same thing, will you write in and let me know how it goes for you? It's nice to have companions on journeys such as these.

take care,
karen
(ps: did you know I have an archive of my past articles on my website? www.karenalonge.com and click on postcards from nowhere or postcards for parents.)

bedtime prayer

Not many people know that I was raised Catholic. Liberal Catholic, with guitar masses and really hip religious education. One time we spent the whole class listening to Barry Manilow's song The Miracle is YOU! and talking about what miracles we all are. It was pretty cool.

My mom did everything about religion right, in my opinion. She never forced us to go to church, but she went every Sunday, and I usually tagged along because she was all dressed up and smelled so nice and I wanted to be with her. These days, even though I no longer practice any religion, I still think we are all miracles. And I still remember dozens of songs from those guitar masses, and find comfort in them.

So when I found myself writing to a religious friend whose father had recently passed away that I would keep his family in my prayers, I had a brief moment of consternation. 'Wait a second," I thought, "I don't pray!" And I don't, not in the traditional sort of way. I guess it's just sort of shorthand for saying, "I'll be thinking fondly and supportively of you guys, and sending extra love and attention your way."

This whole line of thought incited a flashback to the bedtime prayer that we said every night when we were kids. I think I was in my late 20's before I realized that my mom had done some serious editing of the original. She was WAY ahead of her time, (still is, in fact!) and when I remembered this today I was stunned at the depth of insight and understanding that she expressed so beautifully. She blessed our little beings every night for years by sending us off to sleep with visions of optimism, service, and gratitude dancing in our heads. I want to share it with you all because it's just too good to die off with the three of us. Mom, you are amazing!

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

When in the morning light I wake,
Show me the path of love to take.

God bless Mommy and Daddy,
God bless Karen, CJ, and Paul,
God bless all our friends and relatives.

Thank you for a very nice day.

words

my daughter is going into 8th grade, which has gotta be one of Dante's levels of hell. She sure is suffering while she works things out for herself socially. All I can do is rub her back and dry her tears and witness the fury and pain as it releases from her system. She rights herself much more quickly than I remember doing at her age. Heck, who am I kidding -- she's quicker than I am even now!!

While searching for some kind of lifeline to throw to her, I remembered a three part guideline I heard somewhere years ago, a sort of algorithm that helps us decide to speak or not. Thought I'd write it here since I will surely need to refer back to it myself:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

I think if I applied this filter, I'd be talking a whole lot less. True is not so much of a problem. Kind seems pretty clear too. I myself get real hung up on necessary. Necessary for what? For self-expression? For intimacy? For growth? For entertainment? Sometimes those seem to conflict with each other.

I suppose like most things, I just have to try it and see what happens. Maybe my mind is trying to make this more complicated than it really is. Maybe it's sort of like a Zen koan -- the gift is in the process of asking the question, not in the answer.

ps: quick update: I printed these three questions out several times in tiny font and left the page on her desk without a word. She came downstairs later and showed me with a shy grin that she had taped them to both her cell phone and her computer screen. Bless this kid's heart. She's gonna do just fine ...

Connected Parenting class info

You've heard me talk enthusiatically about creating a new parenting model with my colleague Robin. Here are the details:

Connected Parenting

This comprehensive five week course gives parents concrete tools for identifying and addressing the dynamics that motivate behavior, including development, temperament and needs. Learn how to apply our three-step problem solving process to neutralize emotional outbursts and transform power struggles into problem-solving opportunities.

Instructors Robin Goldstein-Lincoln MA, LPC, and Karen Alonge have over 30 years combined experience educating and counseling parents, and have synthesized the most effective tools and concepts into their own parenting model.

Several classes for parents of teens, school age children, and young children will begin this fall in the Boulder area. For more information please visit www.karenalonge.com/classes.html

If you've already taken one of our classes, you might be interested in our Connected Parents Resource Group (CPRG), which we offer to provide ongoing information and support to parents.

Come to discuss more about child development, temperament and underlying needs as they relate to generating win-win solutions.

The group for parents of children meets in South Boulder
on the first Sunday of each month from 11:30 am - 12:45 pm.

The group for parents of teens meets in South Boulder
on the first Sunday of each month from 1:00 pm - 2:15 pm.

Drop-ins are welcome. Cost is $20.

Please confirm with us by phone or email by Thursday
of that week if you plan to attend.

Contact us for the location.

Robin: (303) 818 7086
robinglincoln@msn.com

Karen: (720) 771 8915
karen@karenalonge.com

That's all for now!
Soon we hope to teach these classes by teleclass as well, so let me know if you are interested.
:)

an easy way to improve your relationship

ooh, I couldn't have said this better myself, so I'll just send you over to Susan Page for a very quick read. Although this author writes and teaches about adult relationships, I found this posted on a parenting site because much of her advice works in that context, too.

http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/SPage03.htm

mom's bloggin

gee, this is a neat idea .... a blog party full of interesting stuff by and for moms.
http://www.5minutesformom.com/

If you came over from the party, I'm a parenting consultant. Click on the 'parenting' label below this post to read my parenting advice.

and please feel free to contact me for a free 15 minute conversation - I offer parenting consultations by phone, email, and will even come to your home if you live near Boulder, CO.

come to think of it, I'll come to your home if you live in Hawaii too, if you pay travel expenses! [tee hee hee. No, seriously, I will! or anyplace else that's warm and sunny. It's been a looong winter here.]

:)k

www.karenalonge.com
720 771 8915

fathers and sons

Thought you might enjoy reading this summary of a telephone parenting consultation I did for a divorced dad who was angry, bewildered, and upset that his six year old son was having physical symptoms of anxiety.

Although my advice was specific to this father/son dyad, I thought some of it might be relevant for other fathers too. As always, please take only what seems helpful to you and disregard the rest. Each parent must decide for themselves what approach will be most appropriate for their unique family situation.

*******
Your son might prefer to communicate with you while doing a physical activity side by side rather than just sitting across the table while you ask him questions. Try inviting him to shoot hoops or play a video game when there is something you want to discuss with him. You might be amazed at how much longer he will talk with you while his body is otherwise engaged.

Pay attention to which activities seem relaxing and fun for both of you – and plan to do more of that together. Expand upon what is already working well.

What many boys want more than anything from their dad is approval. He hopes you see him as strong and capable and smart. You are his hero, so he takes your opinion of him very seriously. Don't take that responsibility lightly. Notice and comment on his strengths at every opportunity.

Decide carefully what messages you give him now, because your voice is so important to him that he will carry it in his head forever. One day, he will share it with his own son.

When he gets anxious, the best thing you can do for him is to keep yourself calm. If you start to feel upset, or an internal pressure to make him stop feeling anxious, take a few deep breaths or a drink of water or a bathroom break to settle yourself down before you try to be there for him. When you show him that you can calm yourself down at will, you are setting a very powerful example for him.

After you are calm, then just be there with him. You don't have to fix the source of his anxiety - sometimes he won't even know what triggered it. Just be there with him, sort of like a big strong calm rock in a stormy sea.

Being strong and calm yourself shows him that you are not worried about him, that you trust that his anxiety will pass, and that you are not going to leave him all alone to cope with it. It also makes it easier for you to listen to his feelings without judgment if he wants to talk about them.

And as you mentioned, your anger at his mom could easily pollute your relationship with him if you let it. So find some other way to deal with your thoughts about her. Challenge yourself to never speak negatively of her when you are with your son. She has no power over your relationship with him - that's all up to you. Be the best dad you can be, and leave her out of that equation.


copyright 2007 karen alonge
*******
http://www.karenalonge.com/

Sometimes, big changes can happen when we hear just the right advice in just the right context. I agree wholeheartedly with Hazel Hawke's statement:

A mixture of empathy and brainstorming can move mountains.

If you know any parents who are tired of struggling with their kids or would just like to learn an easier way, send 'em my way for a free 15 minute telephone conversation to sample my work. Consultations take place by phone and email, as well as face to face for parents living near Boulder, CO. karen@karenalonge.com

Strongest Dad in the World

this article came in a newsletter today.
I cried when I read it.
I'm such a sap...


Strongest Dad in the World


I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I'm lousy.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars -- all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S.on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much -- except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life," Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. "Put him in an institution."

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at TuftsUniversity and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. "No way," Dick says he was told. "There's nothing going on in his brain."

"Tell him a joke," Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain.

Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? "Go Bruins!" And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, "Dad, I want to do that."

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described "porker" who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. "Then it was me who was handicapped," Dick says. "I was sore for two weeks."

That day changed Rick's life. "Dad," he typed, "when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!"

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

"No way," Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Bostonthe following year.
Then somebody said, "Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?"

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? "No way," he says. Dick does it purely for "the awesome feeling" he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992 -- only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

"No question about it," Rick types. "My dad is the Father of the Century."

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. "If you hadn't been in such great shape," one doctor told him, "you probably would've died 15 years ago."

So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston , and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland , Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

"The thing I'd most like," Rick types, "is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once."

By Rick Reilly
for Sports Illustrated Issue date: June 20, 2005, p. 88

parental alienation

A few words about my current perspective on parental alienation:

In my opinion, the best defense is to stand proud and tall in who you are, and trust your child to see the truth for herself. My kids were 3 and 6 when we got divorced. It's scary when they are young and you know their other parent is telling them lies about you.

My strategy to counter this was to stay cool and calm when they reported the lies to me, and to acknowledge that their dad has a right to his opinion about me. I then shared that I saw myself very differently. I would ask them to be honest with me about how THEY saw me, and would make it completely safe for them to tell me the truth. And then we would take steps together to mitigate whatever issues they were having with me.

I went about my life very transparently, SHOWING them who I am, as opposed to telling them, never arguing against their dad's opinion of me. I adopted the attitude of, 'Oh my, that's a tough one. I know you love both daddy and me, and I bet it's hard for you to hear him say things that are so different from what you feel is true about me. Is there anything you want to ask me about?'

I kept my focus on loving them and providing a safe place where they could unpack and examine all the stories he told them without fear that I would get angry. (at him OR them)

With each conversation, they became more and more comfortable with the concept that their dad's opinion was a lot different from theirs. Eventually their BS detectors became fully operational. The noisier and more frantic he became while trying to convince them to accept his opinions as the truth, the more my note of congruent self-acceptance rang clear. They still loved him, but they no longer believed his reports about me. Every time he tried to take me down, his credibility with them dropped a notch. They simply knew better.

Ironically, his attempts to 'dis' me actually acted as the catalyst for the conversations that forged the impenetrable bond I have with my kids today. They are now 16 and 13, and boy do they ever know who I am ... the whole messy, earnest, authentic complexity of me! And I know who they are as well. Our relationship is built on a solid base of honesty, transparency, and acceptance.

My advice to parents who fear that their ex has the power to alienate their child from them: Don't get so lost in anger, defense, or counter attack that you forget to show your child who you really are in every possible moment. Funnel your energy into being the best parent you can be when your child is with you. Let the truth of who you are ring clear, and don't allow anger, defensiveness, or revenge to pollute your relationship with your child.

The parent who is attempting alienation can never succeed if you remain steadfast in your love and acceptance of your child and yourself.

copyright 2007 karen alonge

ps: I'm a parenting consultant and intuitive counselor, and one of my areas of expertise is parents who are sharing joint custody with an uncooperative ex. Small changes made by only one parent can have a huge impact on the entire family dynamic! My consultations take place by phone and email, and I offer a free 15 minute telephone conversation to see if my style and approach feels like a good fit.
www.karenalonge.com



ppss: My friend, Lora de la Cruz, has created a colorful children's book based upon Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws. Seven Stories to Live By teaches timeless values -- living in truth, making courageous choices, and believing in ourselves and others. Every parent who reads my copy wants one of their own! If you order soon at sevenstoriestoliveby.com, she'll include a free parenting activity plan that complements the book.

easing off ...

Man oh man, do we parents ever put ourselves in a pressure cooker these days! So many of us think we have to teach our kids important life lessons or .... well, I dunno ... or what?

They'll still be sucking their thumbs in college?

They'll become sociopaths or recluses or criminals?

They'll never get jobs or move away from home?

What is it that we are so afraid of? Why do we place such importance on imparting our wisdom to our children? Sometimes in our frantic state, we do even more than impart ... we impose! We insist that the way that works for us is the ONLY way, and we take extreme measures to make sure our kids board our truth train, even if we must pay a price in our own hearts in order to force them.

I wanted to share an excerpt from an email I wrote recently with you. I hope it still makes sense out of context ... the statements I am responding to are inside asterisks:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.. that's why I love this statement from Abraham-Hicks: You never get it right and you never get it done.

sort of like dancing - dancers aren't moving around in search of the ultimate pose. they don't find just the right position and then FREEZE there! the beauty is in the motion. the JOY is in the motion. the satisfaction is in creative expression of the moment, just as it is, and then moving on to the next.

so you don't like where you are? great!! maybe life loves you too much to let you freeze in one position - be it mental, physical, or emotional. maybe your discomfort is simply an invitation to motion. once you get the message, you can turn your thoughts to what you might like to try next. and I don't mean that you have to make any kind of dramatic physical change, like leave your husband or job. it could be a mental change or an emotional change or a new idea that you try on for a while and see how it feels.


*I believe with conviction that one reason my son fights with depression and anxiety is because I do. Somehow I taught him this. It makes me feel very bad.*

may I be so bold as to bring an idea over to your fitting room for you to try on and see how it feels?

maybe it's not all your fault honey. maybe your son has his own life plan mapped out, and he is gathering exactly the beliefs and experiences he wants to take with him on his journey. could it be as true or truer that your own struggle with anxiety and depression simply causes you to perceive his experience as one of fighting anxiety and depression? and that someone with different life experiences and filters than you have might look at his life and just call it ... Life?

*But maybe if I can learn to do a better job at self love it will teach him.*

oh wow, good luck with that! that's more pressure than I could ever withstand - I have to get it right before my kid can? makes me feel sorry for my kid, cause chances are that ain't gonna happen in time for him. LOL. if he's waiting for me to figure it out so I can teach him, it might be a long wait! he might have to take care of his own self-love without my example.

I took a terrific workshop this weekend on financial beliefs. I was telling my 16 yr old son about it, and he just laughed, and said 'Mom, what's the problem with money? When I need some, it's there, and when I don't need it, it isn't there!'

And he's right! It IS that way for him. Thank goodness he is not limited to only believing what I believe or can teach!

my kids are not mini-me's. they have their own journeys, expectations, desires, limitations, and blessings. I could and will spend my entire lifetime just getting to know my own journey, expectations, desires, limitations, and blessings - I don't have the time or energy to get to know theirs too! much less try to intervene or manage their life for them.

If my only job was to take care of my own state of mind, I would be busy all day every day. how could I possibly begin to know what is ultimately best for my kids? I am still working on listening to my own inner guidance about what is best for ME!

thank goodness they can do that for themselves. they have their own inner guidance, and as far as I can tell, they are much more in touch with it at their ages than I am at my age right now.

I hope you receive this in the giggly spirit in which I sent it: You are not that important in your son's life! He's working on his own plan. You are just hanging out with him to feed him and shelter him and stuff like that until he can do it for himself.

So don't worry, you cannot hold him back. He's not looking to you to set his pace or direction. He doesn't expect that from you! It's okay to let him work this stuff out while you work your own out.

and by 'your own stuff', I mean simply soothing yourself back into feeling like it's all gonna be okay, and making peace with the motion that is the dance of life. You never get it done and you never get it right, and that's the whole fun of it!

with the next beat of the music, you can move differently if you want. or not. you don't need to worry about taking a wrong step when you remember that there's another step right after that which presents another opportunity to move in a different direction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've recently completed some big changes to my website. If you haven't visited for a while, I'd love for you to stop on by and check it out!
www.karenalonge.com

parenting safe children

for those of you near Boulder, CO:

Feather Berkower teaches an incredible workshop for parents about how to prevent your child from being a target for sexual predators. We all know about teaching the Stranger Danger rules that keep kids safe from the stereotypical trench-coat-wearing pedophile. Feather teaches us how to empower our kids to stand up against ALL kinds of violations, including the much more common situation where the molestor is NOT a stranger, but a friend or relative who knows the child and family well.
www.parentingsafechildren.com

non-violent parenting

a friend forwarded this story to me today. I don't know if it is actually true or not, but in my opinion, it offers great wisdom either way.

I'll be writing more on the topic of lying very soon ....

NON-VIOLENT PARENTING:
>
> An episode in reverse psychology:
>
> Dr. Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of the
> M.K.GandhiInstitute for Non-violence, in his June 9 lecture at the
> University of Puerto Rico, shared the following story as an example of
> "non-violence in parenting":
>
> "I was 16 years old and living with my parents at the institute my
> grandfather had founded 18 miles outside of Durban, South Africa, in > the
> middle of the sugar plantations. We were deep in the country and had no
> neighbors, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going
> to town to visit friends or go to the movies.
>
> One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day
> conference, and I jumped at the chance. Since I was going to town, my
> mother gave me a list of groceries she needed and, since I had all day
> in town, my father ask me to take care of several pending chores, such
> as getting the car serviced. When I dropped my father off that
> morning, he said, 'I will meet you here at 5:00 p.m., and we will go
> home together.'
>
> After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest
> movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double-feature that I
> forgot the time. It was 5:30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to
> the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting
> for me, it was almost 6:00. He anxiously asked me, 'Why were you late?'
> I was so ashamed of telling him I was watching a John Wayne western
> movie that I said, 'The car wasn't ready, so I had to wait,' not
> realizing that he had already called the garage.
>
> When he caught me in the lie, he said: 'There's something wrong in the
> way I brought you up that didn't give you the confidence to tell me
> the truth. In order to figure out where I went wrong with you, I'm
> going to walk home 18 miles and think about it.'
>
> So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home in the
> dark on mostly unpaved, unlit roads. I couldn't leave him, so for
> five-and-a-half hours I drove behind him, watching my father go through
> this agony for a stupid lie that I uttered.
>
> I decided then and there that I was never going to lie again. I often
> think about that episode and wonder, if he had punished me
> the way we punish our children, whether I would have learned a lesson
> at all. I don't think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone
> on doing the same thing. But this single non-violent action was so
> powerful that it is still as if it happened yesterday. That is the
> power of non-violence.

you first

I heard myself say something really pithy to a client this morning. As is always the case, it was exactly what I needed to hear myself. I thought you might enjoy it too.

Be the change you want to see in your child.

Yes, it is a direct rip off of Gandhi saying you must be the change you want to see in the world, but hey, it works!

So if you desperately want your child to calm down, calm yourself down first.

If you want your child to be braver while facing new situations, become brave yourself while you face the evidence of your child's fear.

Because really, aren't YOU afraid of something, and that's why you want him to be brave so much? Afraid he'll look like a coward, afraid he'll be ridiculed, afraid you blew it as a parent ... fill in the blank with whatever you are dreading.

If you were not afraid, you would not be reacting so strongly to his lack of courage in that moment. You would most likely see it differently; maybe as a temporary choice that is part of his learning curve and does not require your direct intervention. You might look for ways to support and encourage his risk taking, but you would not be pushy or guilt-tripping or shaming. Those overtones come from your own fear.

I have yet to find a situation where this turnaround does not apply. You want your kids to stop fighting with each other? Try not fighting with them about their fighting! It should be easy for you to stop -- after all, you thought they could do it after just one order from you, right?

Casts a whole different light on things, doesn't it? Puts the action step right back where it belongs, which is luckily and not coincidentally the only place where you truly have creative power. It also harnesses the tremendous parental power of teaching by example.

Change yourself first. Either it will be easy, and you will be setting an excellent example for your child, or it will be difficult, and you will develop understanding about how hard it might be for him too.

Regardless of which way it goes, it is a much stronger model of self-responsibility than trying to shame or cajole your child into changing himself so that you can feel better.

just a little food for thought ...

safety is job one

greetings!

As promised, here is the first of several articles inspired by the Back-To-School teleclass I attended with Dr. Bryan Post and Heather Forbes from Beyond Consequences Institute (BCI).

In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I've already absorbed and integrated this material into my own internal database, so it may well be that I have diluted or contorted their message. Pop on over to their website: www.beyondconsequences.com for the purest dose of their profoundly transformational wisdom. Needless to say, I am a huge fan of their work!

***

Parents and professionals alike often operate under the mistaken assumption that misbehavior is a power play or control tactic by the child. BCI proposes a re-assessment of the roots of oppositional defiance: some children, whether due to trauma in their early life or temperamental disposition, perceive new situations as threats, and the fight or flight response kicks in.

Once that adrenaline rush occurs, the child is in survival mode, and higher functions stop; higher functions such as thinking about consequences and redirecting aggressive impulses into verbal communication. Generation upon generation of evolution (or a magnificent Creator, if you wish!) designed humans so that when we are fighting or running for our lives, all non-essential body and mind functions shut down to funnel every ounce of available energy to our muscles and heart. The thinking brain takes the back seat on this ride. Basically, the child becomes like a caged animal fighting for its life. Anything goes. He or she may appear frantic and defensive, and things can get ugly fast.

Attempting to reason with your child while her or she is deep in reaction to a perceived threat is a waste of your time and energy, and carries a large opportunity cost in that it does not foster connectedness and love between you. Remember, reasoning is a higher function, and it is not included in either fight or flight. Before your child can think at all, which includes absorbing the fact that their current behavior is not going to work well for them, they must relax. And before they can relax, they must feel safe again.

And so, Parental Job One becomes crystal clear: Create/restore safety. Which means no yelling, no accusations, and no punishment. Instead, we can reduce the stimulation level when possible, and increase their feeling of connectedness with us by deepening our listening, showing empathy, and focusing our attention on the answer to the question that can lead us both out of the danger zone: What is the underlying fear that is driving this child's behavior?

By taking these steps, we help our child to anchor themselves to our stability and protection, thus allowing them to experience the feeling of safety again. If we yell, shame, blame, or punish, we are only contributing to their feelings of fear, insecurity and danger. The time to teach alternatives to misbehavior is AFTER the child has calmed down.

It is important to know that you may or may not share your child's perception of what counts as a threat. Anything unpredictable could trigger certain children into survival mode.

To some kids, recess is a nightmare. All that freedom with so little supervision and protection! Adult equivalent: the downtown mall during Christmas season.

Transitions can be bewildering, because the line that defines the change in expectations is not always clear. Think of the differences between the rule in your home and the classroom, and between the classroom and the playground! Giving your child warnings and time to prepare in advance can help. It can take time to understand and master the distinctions and boundaries. In the meantime, it's stressful trying to keep track of it all.

The cafeteria at lunchtime can be sensory overload. I know I don't need an adult equivalent to understand that one! I can still hear the noise and feel the energy levels bouncing off those concrete block walls as if it was yesterday.

A substitute teacher might ruin the whole day, no matter how sweet and kind she is. Imagine spending months learning to please your boss and then a new one comes along with an entirely different set of requirements.

I think you get the idea. It's not a leap to grasp that kids have as much stress in their lives as we do, once we look at things from their perspective. Add to this fear and anticipation, and yikes, it's amazing they aren't acting out more often!

So to recap: kids do not misbehave in order to gain power or control. They act out after being triggered into an instinctive mode of dealing with a perceived threat: fight or flight. Their need in these situations is for protection, safety, empathy, and reassurance. Our guidance and education about how to handle future such situations will only be effective after the child has calmed down.

There is so much more to write about, but my kids will be home any minute, so that's enough for today. Stay tuned, more articles to follow ...

Warmly,
Karen

PS: I offer parenting consultations by phone and email, as well as in your home if you live near Boulder, CO. Give me a call if this sounds like just the kind of help you have been wanting ...

www.karenalonge.com
720 771 8915

beyond consequences teleclass

greetings!

You already know I am a fan of the Beyond Consequences (www.beyondconsequences.com) approach. This morning in a one hour free teleclass, Heather and Bryan left me awestruck by capturing the very essence of every shift that I support and encourage in our thinking and perception about parenting and educating our kids. It will be replayed several more times today in case you are interested. Here's the info. I highly recommend this! It's free to listen, and the information is absolutely priceless.

-karen
www.karenalonge.com
720 771 8915

(and if you can't make the replay times don't worry ... a postcard for parents about it is in the works. I was quite inspired!)

Thank you for signing up to be with us today for
our "Back-to-School" teleseminar. Dr. Bryan Post
and I have an extensive list of Ten Important
Tips for making this school year the best for
your child.

The live call will be at 7:00 a.m. Pacific Time
(8:00 a.m. MT, 9:00 a.m. CT, 10:00 a.m. ET)

The replays of this call will be at:

1) 12:00 p.m. PT, 1:00 p.m. MT, 2:00 p.m. CT, 3:00 p.m. ET

and

2) 8:00 p.m. PT, 9:00 pm MT, 10:00 p.m. CT, 11:00 p.m. ET


To access any of these calls at the times above, dial:

1-620-294-3000
enter passcode: 2149#

Remember that the teleseminar is free on our end. The
only charge will be your long distance charge.

We look forward to having you a part of this call!

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Beyond Consequences Institute
631 N. Hyer Avenue
Orlando, FL 32803
407-965-1131
www.beyondconsequences.com
info@beyondconsequences.com

no credit, no blame

(some of you may recognize this as a postcard for parents . I am reprinting it for the benefit of the folks who are new to my blog and linked over from parenting sites.)

When I was in college, I came down firmly on the side of nurture in the
nurture vs. nature debate. Tabula rasa and all that. It was so obvious
. . . good parenting produced good children. Simply hold firm to a
schedule and baby will adapt. Oh yes, I knew all about raising children.
Until I actually gave birth to one!

I took one look in his eyes and knew that this was no blank slate. He
came already programmed! Within hours everything I thought I knew
thrown out the window. Nurse every three hours? Ha! Apparently he had
not read the same books I had. He thought he might take a 10 minute
break after nursing constantly for three hours. Sleep several hours at
a stretch? I was lucky to get him to sleep more than 45 minutes at a
time for at least the first 2 years.

What an awakening. Brutal, as I recall. Especially since most of the
babies I had cared for in my home day care business had been easy-going
types who just settled down and took a nap at the same time every day. I
did such a good job taking care of other people's kids. I thought I was
pretty competent. I had even accepted some credit for their good
behavior. (yes, it is embarrassing to admit!)

Now I was faced with this kid who would only sleep in my arms and wanted
to nurse all the time. Although the inclination was to blame myself
somehow, it was hard to do since he was too young for me to have done
much damage yet. Maybe I screwed him up in utero?

Thankfully my mom introduced me to her sanity saving motto for parenting:
No credit, No blame. What your kids do is not yours to take responsibility
for. It is theirs. Take no credit for their 'successes', and no blame
for their 'failures'. (quotes added because often, in hindsight, failures
become successes and vice versa. Seems easier just not to label them
from the start. But that's a topic for another postcard!)

Our kids come to us with their own agenda for their life. This does not
always correspond to the one you would have selected for them. And it
does not always coordinate nicely with the agenda you have for your own
life. As you can imagine, this can get to be a real pain sometimes!

But each of our agendas is equally valid. The dance of parenting
(actually, of any relationship, I think) is to find a rhythm that honors
both life paths. This can take some creative footwork! And we can only
begin in earnest when we take a step back and see the other as our
partner in the dance, not an enemy who must be converted to our life path
at any cost.

So, can you make space for the single file path taken by your introverted
child even as you travel the superhighway of the extrovert?

Can you allow time for your slow-to-warm up child to adjust even though
you are an eager risk-taker?

Can you accept that your sensitive child is not just trying to irritate
you when she tells you that she hates the smell of your peppermint gum?

These quirky idiosyncracies truly do make life interesting once we give
up on trying to get rid of them. There is no one right way to be. One
path is not superior to all the others. Many spokes lead to the center
of the wheel. The temperament of your child is not a reflection of your
skill as a parent. Nothing good can come from comparing you or your
child to anyone else.

Respect your child's path as your walk your own. Take good care of
yourself and ask for help when you need it. Enjoy the places where
your journey overlaps with that of your child and you walk together for
a while.

As my favorite philosopher, Winnie-the-Pooh, says:

Rivers knows this: There is no hurry, we shall all get there someday.