gained in translation

I recently spent some time with a dear friend who moved away ten years ago. Our sons are close in age, and both of us were new mothers and new in town when we first connected at a La Leche meeting almost 17 years ago.

We used to pop our baby boys into backpacks and tote them along the Boulder Creek Path for as long as they would tolerate it while we indulged in deeply philosophical discussions. She introduced me to Alan Watts and Tom Robbins. I introduced her to Conversations with God. My interactions with her have always been rich, stimulating, and thought-provoking. She's a real treasure in my life, and she brings out the best in me. (I love you, Diana!)

Anyway, as we explored the subject of cynicism while catching up on things, I overheard myself telling her that I've recently discovered the existence of a translator in my head that can transform criticism, judgment, and complaints into simple requests for love and attention.

I can't say that I am actually making use of it full-time quite yet, but I do notice that when the translator is turned on, I feel much warmer and happier and more satisfied with my life.

Theoretically, here's how it works:

Let's say someone who hasn't yet experienced the value of communicating with I-messages tells me, "You aren't listening."

When the translator is switched off, I might listen between the words and hear, in a condescending and icy tone: "There is something wrong with you." I might respond to this kind of message with defensiveness, confusion, or withdrawal.

With the translator on, I hear a small and plaintive voice pleading: "Will you pay more attention to me?" I may be able to grant this request and I may not, but either way I don't feel defensive, and I don't feel the urge to distance myself to avoid further attack. I can remain in contact and connection.

A Course in Miracles teaches that there are only two messages ever being communicated -- love, or a request for love. One response is appropriate for both messages -- offer love. This nifty translator makes even the most cloaked or obscure requests so clear that I feel compelled to respond with compassion.

So when I happen to notice the frozen rigidity of defensiveness in my body, I take a breath and intend to activate my translator. Sometimes it comes online right away, and other times it doesn't, and that's okay. I'm just happy to know it's there, and grateful for the opportunity to practice using it.

on defense

The more you defend yourself, the more you believe what you defend against. - Alan Cohen

So what's the alternative to defending yourself?

Let it be.

Take the input of the other party and go inside yourself. Consider what they have presented with an open mind. Capitalize on the opportunity to examine and clarify your own position, stance, or decision. If you need to update yourself, or to gather more information, or change your mind based on this new input, then do it.

There's no need to convince others to see it your way, unless you both enjoy that kind of banter and debate. Just let them be. They have given you a gift by disagreeing with you or presenting an opposing viewpoint. Something new will emerge at the intersection of your perspective and theirs. Watch for it, and turn your attention to nurturing the seedlings of creativity and clarity that sprout within every conflict of opinion.


On another note, here's a pic from my son's graduation from boot camp. It's been fantastic to have him home. Next week he reports for duty in Michigan.

a heart that has room

I've been searching the Web to no avail for a quote I remember reading approximately ten years ago. If you recognize it, will you let me know who deserves credit? I think it goes something like this:

A heart that has room for even one enemy is not a safe place for a friend.

As usual, I could quibble with some of it. But for the most part, I think it makes sense. Have you ever had the experience of listening to a friend complain about or belittle someone who was not present, and felt yourself wondering what she says about YOU in your absence?

I think this quote is speaking to something most of us are intuitively aware of: it doesn't feel good to be judged. Yes, judgment seems to be part of the human package. We all do it to some degree. And I've seen people hold and present their judgments in a variety of ways. Some are more comfortable for me to relate to than others.

Perhaps a few oversimplified definitions could be useful here. When I say judgment, I'm talking about ways of describing, evaluating, packaging, and attributing intention to others which imply that someone is bad, wrong, less than, or stupid. The kind of judgment I am talking about holds others at a distance. In effect, it says "You are doing something I would never do," and "You are not like me."

To my way of thinking, judgment's counterpart is acceptance, which I define as compassionate understanding. It means we realize that under similar circumstances, beliefs, and conditions, we too may have made that decision or taken that action.

Acceptance does not stand above the choices of others and evalute them; it gracefully allows each of us to find our own way and to learn from our own experiences. It respects our common humanity.

It says, "It's okay, it happens, I understand."

It asks, "How can we repair our relationship/restore the balance/return to love together in the Now?"

It has no interest in identifying right from wrong, or separating us. It puts love first. It shines a spotlight on what we have in common.

My quibbles with the quote? Well, if we understand that sometimes people stand in judgment and create separation and enemies because they need to do this to feel better about themselves, then we have found a way to embrace them compassionately even as they judge.

If people believe in a black and white world with clear lines between right and wrong, then doesn't it make sense that they would want to be firmly on the side of Right? And that they would want us to know where they stand? I'm sure I would feel that way. In fact, I'm sure I have felt that way.

Using this awareness to think about the folks who gossip, criticize, or evaluate, we no longer feel vulnerable to their judgment. It becomes clear that it's not even about us. After a certain point in our personal development, we no longer need a guarantee of non-judgment to feel safe.

We no longer hold back our love or friendship, because we know that doing so hurts only ourselves. Others can judge us all they want, and we can embrace them without needing to separate ourselves from them with the thought or words: "I would never judge someone like that!" (Ironic, isn't it? To judge someone for judging others is still judgment.)

The sword of judgment is a heavy one. Eventually, it cuts the hand that wields it. Those who so vehemently judge others rarely escape unscathed -- during quiet moments in the dark of night, they turn the sword upon themselves.

When I remember this, my heart opens wide again. Only Beings in great pain would feel such a need to strike out at others. Striking back at them serves no kind or loving purpose, and simply perpetuates the chain of pain.

Acceptance doesn't mean we all become doormats. We can still exercise discernment, which to me is different than judgment.

Judgment says, "You are bad or wrong or mistaken and I refuse to accept you."

Discernment says, "I don't feel good right here, and I think I will step back a bit until I feel like myself again. You are fine just as you are, and I can enjoy you better from a little bit farther away."

It's late and I'm tired and not at all sure any of this will make sense in the morning! But it wanted to be written tonight, so for whatever it's worth, there you go.

*******
It's morning now, and I'm still not sure this post will make sense to anyone other than me. I do hope it's obvious that my musings reflect only my experience. For me, it is painful to stand in judgment of myself or others. It hurts to create separation by evaluation; to disapprove, condescend, or scold, or to think I could know or do better than they have.

Being human, of course I still do it anyway, and it hurts every time. Sometimes I notice right away, sometimes I don't. I always feel much better when I let my love, approval, attention, and energy flow freely again.

Of course that won't be true for everyone. I trust you to sort out whatever resonates with your experience in my words, and simply discard the rest.

ps: my son graduated from boot camp, and me, my mom, and my daughter were there to see it! he's back home now for a couple weeks, working in the local recruiting office before he reports for duty in Grand Haven, MI. My thanks to all of you who sent kind words and good wishes!

in love

have you ever had the experience of hearing a word or phrase that you've heard a thousand times before, and suddenly, a new meaning reveals itself to you?

that kind of ah-ha moment happened this morning. As my consciousness started awakening, I noticed myself feeling blissfully comfortable and content. I sort of lazily wondered why that was, and a voice in my head said, "Because I'm in love."

In the blink of an eye, I understood that at a whole new level: Love is like a river flowing through my being, and I can float in it or sit on the bank watching it go by. It's not that either one is better than the other; there's a time and a place for each. Sometimes it feels nice to dry off and sun myself for a few minutes on the shore. But usually, I like to be fully immersed.

I wonder if maybe our culture is misunderstanding things a bit when we say we are in love with someone else. Maybe it's just that as we hold the object of our affection in our attention; as we think of them fondly and focus on the good things about them, we are stepping into the river of our own well being. Thinking kind and positive thoughts about other people, ourselves, or even our pets, locates us in the vibration of love.

Listen to the radio for a few minutes and you'll hear plenty of cultural messages that tell us love is about the other person. Don't take your love away from me, How do I live without you, You're my everything, You're the one. You, you, you. No wonder many of us get so freaked out when the other person leaves or changes their mind about us! We've been taught to locate the source of love in someone else, or in the relationship, instead of in ourselves.

Maybe the truth is that we love how we feel when we are loving. That's not quite as specific and personal as we might wish it to be - it means love is portable. We may notice that in the presence of certain packages of qualities, or certain physical chemistries, it is easier for us to step into our own rivers of well being. And that's very nice, especially when it's mutual.

But maybe that's all the other person really is -- a catalyst. No one else can take us there. We step into Love on our own volition.

the consciousness of loving

It is not a past time, event, or relationship you yearn for. It the consciousness you held about it. Return to that consciousness, and you will create new experiences equal to or better than those you left behind.

- Alan Cohen


Excellent timing on this daily quote from Alan Cohen. I've been noticing this very thing lately.

This is the longest I've ever gone without a man in my daily life. I've been in a self-induced hibernation since Kevin and I split up in February. Did my little two day stint on match.com, noticed I felt crappy about it, and haven't put myself 'out there' since. I have enjoyed focusing on selling my house, settling in to my new place, and spending plenty of time with my son before he shipped off to boot camp.

I also wanted to take some time to observe myself as a single person. I had thought that maybe I would miss being loved. And I do, to some degree, but what I miss even more is how wonderful it feels to love. Of course I can and do love the flowers and the rain and the earth and my children and my friends and myself. What I find myself longing for is the deeply satisfying, no holds barred, totally surrendered kind of loving that so far I have only experienced and expressed within an intimate relationship.

So my solo experiment will continue until a man steps forward who wants to expand the exploration with me. In the meantime I'm perfectly fascinated by checking out what it feels like to open up as much to the sun as I would to a lover. Or to enjoy the wind on my skin as if it were a caress, and to walk on the earth as if I am massaging its back.

I think it could be possible to open up my consciousness of loving so widely that it almost doesn't matter if there is any personal receiver. It will be interesting to find out ...

reality

The only reality is LOVE. Everything else is what you make of it.

- alan cohen

When I pondered on this, I came up with some additional refinements that helped me understand it more deeply for myself:

Everything else is exactly what I make of it and only what I make of it.

And what I make of it is nothing more and nothing less than a reflection of my own thoughts and beliefs. LOVE is not just the only reality, it's also the only truth.

So if I see something other than love, like deception, attack, or guilt, then I am looking through distorted lenses. My work then is to polish or correct my personal lens, not to try to fix that which I see or blame any circumstance or person 'out there' for my painful interpretation.

he's leaving the nest

to read my thoughts about my son getting ready to graduate and enlist, click here to go to my other blog, http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/03/hes-leaving-nest.html

thoughts on breaking up

I'm writing this mostly as a note to myself, because I want to document this feeling in an attempt to anchor it for future access. I have a tendency to forget important stuff like this.

Just like with most of my previous relationships, after many months of internal hemming and hawing and deliberation, one day I woke up crystal clear that it was time for us to go our separate ways.

When this first happened back in 1997 with the father of my children, the clarity did not come after months of hemming and hawing and deliberation. It came out of the friggin' blue, and it terrified me. I fought it tooth and nail. There was a lot of collateral damage caused by struggling with my own awareness and trying to get it to go away because it was gonna be very difficult to make the changes it was asking of me.

Thankfully, in my relationships since then I've had more warning. And maybe I've directed just a tad less effort into fighting my own clarity - but really, to be honest, not that much less. I still go down arguing with myself every time.

So there are two things I want to remember:

One, that there is no way for me to win a battle with that kind of inner clarity. I may as well forget about trying to supress or change the message. And if I choose fight it anyway, sooner or later I'll exhaust myself and finally accept it.

and Two, these things have a timing all their own, and action does not always necessarily follow immediately on the heels of awareness.

There's such a qualitative difference between that feeling of "should I/shouldn't I" and the YES, NOW when it finally comes. I wrote a note to my future self in my journal to remind her that if she's still deliberating, it's just not time for action yet for reasons she won't have access to. And that it's okay for her to just be honest with herself and her mate, and wait a while until the required action becomes clear as well.

When it IS time, there's no way to miss the signs. That nudge toward action is worth waiting for, because it makes all the icky stuff that comes after it so much easier to take when I'm not wracked with self-doubt.

I shed a lot of tears during the month it took for him to find a new place, many of them in his comforting arms, but they weren't the kind of tears that come from wondering if this is the right thing to do - they were just pure grieving. Pain without suffering. And in a way, they were sweet rather than painful. The day he left, the tears just stopped, and I found myself feeling cleansed and purified like the air after a thunderstorm.

All this to say - when the time is right, I will know it. And until then, all I can do is remain present with myself and the situation as it is.

A friend sent me the gift of profound inspiration in a link to Eckhart Tolle on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPg9DnMP2D4

Oh, yeah, there's one more thing: Three, I am much more resilient than I give myself credit for when I am anticipating a potentially painful situation! This could be the silver lining of having a terrible memory. I don't store past experiences very well, which means I don't have anything to compare the present moment to, and therefore I don't notice it lacking anything. That comes in real handy! When I was wrapped in his arms I would cry thinking I would miss that feeling forever. The first night I slept alone, I was blissfully comfortable under my new blanket and it felt perfect. Go figure.

I hope I never need to read these reminders to myself. I hope my next relationship lasts for the remainder of my lifetime. But, life being what it is, I thought I better take some notes, just in case ... :)

perception

today's daily quote from alan cohen:

Perception is a mirror, not a fact.

-- A Course in Miracles

I've been feeling keenly aware of this in the past few days. Most of what has been solid in my life is currently in transition, and there are lots of opportunities for me to tell myself stories about the meaning of various circumstances and events.

For example: I posted my profile on match and not one man contacted me in the first 24 hours. Stories? Oh yeah, I got 'em. I'm too old, I'm not attractive enough, no one will ever want me again, this is a mistake, I should just cancel and resign myself to being single, yadda yadda yadda.

And maybe one of those stories happens to be the truth, but it would only be by coincidence if it was, and only time will tell anyway. What I know in this moment is that when I tell myself those stories, and I believe them as if they were facts, it hurts. And my feelings are pretty raw already, so who needs that?

So I am faced with a choice this morning. Hide my profile and go back into my little shell where I can't feel anyone 'rejecting' me, or question my perceptions. Yeah, maybe I am too old for this. And so what? Then no one will contact me, and so be it.

Or maybe it's closer to the truth that I am just not ready yet. Or maybe the man who will be my next love is on vacation this week. You get the idea. There's an infinite variety of stories I could tell -- no need to fixate my mind on only the painful ones.

I haven't yet decided what to do about this. In fact, right now, I am stubbornly declaring my refusal to decide. When and if I feel the impulse to hide my profile, I will, and I will decide in the moment, not ahead of time.

And in the meantime, this a stellar opportunity to look in the mirror and notice what I think about myself when I don't have the input of someone else's love and appreciation, and the distraction of loving and appreciating someone else. I might have forgetten how to do those things for myself. Now is the perfect time to brush up on my skills. (LOL - whenever I type the word "skills" I hear it in the voice of Napoleon Dynamite. makes it kinda hard to take myself seriously.)

postscript, six hours later:
I cancelled my membership. But not because of the reasons I talked about earlier in this post. I'm definitely NOT going back into my shell. I had lunch with a dear friend who reminded me of one of my favorite mottos: if it's not fun, don't do it! Last time I was on match, I loved being there. Since I don't feel that way this time, the message is clear: get me outta here! I'm off to find something more interesting to do. I'm thinking salsa dancing sounds like fun ...

post postscript, the next morning:
Well, since my membership won't die until mid Feb, Kevin encouraged me to just play around with it by unhiding myself again and experimenting with different pictures, captions, profile texts, etc. to see what kind of response they get. He knows I can't resist a good experiment! And it sounded like fun. So off I went to unhide myself and change my heading to "I sing in the car", and within an hour, two people contacted me. So my motto If it's not fun, don't do it seems to be serving me well! And if it becomes not fun again, I'll either hide my profile and take a break, or change it until it feels like play again. Or not! My friend and I got a good laugh out of this sentence that popped out of my mouth a few weeks ago: "I am free to violate my own principles any time I feel like it! I just made them up anyway ..."

love lets go

this will be one of those real sentimental posts, so if that makes you kinda sqeamish, you might want to come back another day. besides being mushy, it's also pretty radical, and sort of violates the usual social norms.

I guess I might as well just jump right in ...

a couple years ago I wrote a blog entry about meeting a wonderful man, and we have been involved in a lovely relationship since then. last week, our many gentle conversations over the past few years about whether we were compatible enough to consider marriage culminated in a mutual acknowledgment that our time together as a couple had come to a natural end. We immediately began the process of gracefully and lovingly parting ways.

here's my little theory on this: when most of what you have in common is simply that you love each other, it's not enough to sustain a lifelong partnership. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry nailed it: Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction.

Of course, we had more in common than loving each other, or we wouldn't have lasted as long as we did. But we'd noticed that over time we were spending more and more time away from each other doing other things, and that when we would come back together, we weren't all that interested in hearing what the other had been up to. For some couples, that's not a problem. For us, it just was.

So love, in our case, right this moment, means that we release each other with open hearts to our futures. It means I help him search for an apartment, and we do not argue about what he takes with him when he moves out.

It means that our bodies still touch when we are sitting next to each other - even as we work together on my match.com profile. It means that we cherish our time together, savoring the last precious days of each other's company.

And it means that he is, at this very moment, downstairs having a lively phone conversation with a woman I introduced him to. A woman I thought might be a better match for him than I am.

I am immeasureably grateful for the gift of the time we shared together. I will always love him. And for me, love means wanting him to enjoy a satisfying and fulfilling life, even if I am not the one he lives it with. Strange? Definitely. But also beautiful. Peaceful. And very deeply satisfying.

Permission Granted

I was talking with a friend yesterday about some difficulty she was having with a family member. Seems the other person had made some rather snide remarks on the phone, and my friend was evaluating whether she wanted to continue to invest her energy in keeping that relationship active, or whether it might be best to just sort of let it wither away by attrition. I thought there had to be some middle ground, and so we looked for it together. We came up with something we thought was pretty pithy:

If you give yourself permission to leave the conversation, you may not feel the need to leave the relationship.

Granted, maybe eveyone but me and my friend had this figured out a long time ago. But on the other hand, maybe not. Because there seem to be a lot of conversations that continue far past the point of productivity, or even civility, and trespass into the territory where permanent damage occurs to the relationship.

Here's how we thought it might sound after a snide remark or an outright attack:

"You know, I just realized that I'm feeling sort of defensive right now, and I think I better hang up to take care of that for myself. Let's talk later."

Fill in the blank if defensive is not the right feeling - angry, frustrated, sad, etc. And if you are in person, not on the phone, then take a walk instead of hanging up.

Isnt' that elegant? Rather than defend or justify or even counter attack, you just take a break.

I'm impressed with this for two reasons - one, the other party is forced to take a break too, because you just removed her target. She can't go on to say something she regrets.

Two, the last thing she remembers from the conversation is that something she said triggered you. If she's interested, she can give some thought to what might have happened. If she's not, that's fine too. But at least you have not cluttered up her ears with a bunch of defenses or counter-attacks that divert her attention away from her words and onto yours. I betcha, nine times outta ten, you'll end up hearing an apology when you finally do reconnect. Okay, maybe eight times. But those are still pretty nice odds.

As an added bonus, if you notice yourself spending an awful lot of time hanging up or walking, the relationship is likely dying by attrition anyway, and you will not feel confused about the whole "stay or go" decision.

ps: Hey, I don't think I've mentioned yet that I have a new blog! check it out at www.advice-for-parents.com. that's where you'll find future posts about parenting issues ... well organized by topic and easy to access. I'm posting daily responses to questions from readers right now, so if you have any parenting questions, let me know.

relationship life preservers

I just finished writing a marathon email to a friend whose husband has more or less checked out of their marriage and is ignoring her. I wanted to share it with you, too, in case it resonates with anyone.

~

Now that I'm back at my computer and thinking clearly, I wanted to share one more relationship idea. It's radical, and you may feel kinda repulsed by it, so I'll just throw it out there trusting that you will either pitch it out or experiment with it as you see fit.

I guess it's based on a few premises which might seem really silly when you first hear them. Even if they sound like crap, it might be worth an experiment. At the risk of dangerous oversimplification, I'll try to describe them briefly.

Most men need a mission in life. They are wired to feel good when they make a difference or accomplish something. When they feel aimless or useless for whatever reason, and that reason might have nothing at all to do with their relationship, they can sort of implode into depression.

This might sound really stupid, but I haven't yet met a man who did not thrive on feeling like his woman's hero. Of course that has nothing to do with income, competence, or anything material. It's emotional. They want to know that they have something unique and powerful to offer to their lover. And they do, or we would not have chosen them. Sometimes they need to be reminded about what that is when they have lost sight of it.

The woman who loves him can sometimes offer a temporary lifeline into feeling like a hero again with two strategies: speaking only gratitude, and asking for their help.

These are sort of "medicinal" strategies; applied in specific doses to support a healing from within. You are right that we cannot truly bring anyone out of depression or change them.

These are just life preserver rings that we throw out into the water. We feel better having something to try, and he may just grab hold of one and pull himself to the side of the boat.

So the life preservers might look like this: when he gets home, the first thing he hears is that you are happy to see him. If that's not even true at this point, then maybe it's true that your daughter is happy to see him, so you say that with sincerity.

Then you might ask for his help on something for dinner. The request is really straightforward. "Honey, will you mash those potatoes for me?" If he does it, great. You don't help him or make suggestions or comments, even if he does it completely wrong.

When he's done, you say a warm and simple thank you. All the better if it is accompanied by a kiss, a gentle touch on the shoulder, or at least eye contact.

If he doesn't do it, that's fine too. You were planning on doing it yourself anyway, so you just take care of it.

The rest of the night goes this way. Mostly gratitude and appreciative comments, sprinkled with an occasional request, which is offered in complete neutrality only one time. If he does it, he hears more gratitude. If not, you just do it with no comment.

If you honestly can't find one thing to appreciate, then don't say anything until you can. If you have to dig, you could look for something he did around the house back when he was feeling good, like, "Wow, I feel so lucky to have this terrific deck that you made for us,"or whatever.

The whole time you are taking care of yourself emotionally, listening to yourself, acknowledging your feelings internally, and doing whatever it takes to unilaterally calm your own anxiety or anger. When you need to vent some steam, do it with girlfriends.

A few days of this might help him to let his guard down a little bit and show some vulnerability or emotion. If he does, you'll want to meet his disclosures with as much understanding as you can. One way to do that is to simply repeat what you think he is expressing back to him, and wait for his confirmation, and ask if there's more. Then ask if you can share your feelings about it before doing so.

Even if he does not open or soften, it might be good medicine for you, anyway. We always feel better when we focus our attention on finding things to appreciate, and it takes our minds off of noticing what is so painfully wrong.

Yes, it can take a LOT of discipline to do this. And if I know only one thing about you it's that you are a powerful woman! Even if all you can muster is one appreciative comment in an evening of otherwise gentle and accepting silence, it's still something.

so anyway, sorry, that was pretty long. I'll shut up now and just say that I am wishing you both all the best.



Karen Alonge
720 771 8915
www.karenalonge.com
Contact me to schedule a parenting consultation by phone,
or to register for Connected Parenting classes near Boulder, CO.

hiding

three blog posts in one day - can you tell I'm cleaning up my inbox?

I wrote this note to myself a while ago, planning to flesh it out into an article.
When I re-read it just now, I decided it's perfect exactly as it is:

hiding = suffering
we suffer when we try to manage what others think about us
we suffer when we try to control their thinking
we suffer when we try to hide our 'flaws'
who cannot relate when we admit to being flawed?
show it, own it, apologize for it if necessary, and suffering ends
stop trying to be who you are not

the little engine that could

You know how sometimes people have recurring dreams or nightmares? Well, I have recurring insights. Every time I figure out some new concept related to my thinking or my experience of life, I get really excited and think I'm onto something really big.

And then I remember, "Wait, this seems kinda familiar. Did I think of this already?"

Maybe for me, it takes numerous ah-ha experiences for a realization to become anchored. Until those insights reach critical density, every time the thought surfaces in my awareness, it just floats right away on the prevailing current.

well, anyhoo, here's my latest turn on the merry-go-round. Who knows, maybe this time it will stay put?

I was talking to a friend yesterday who shamefully confessed that her most grievous personality flaw was that she was critical and judgmental. I, too, have a well developed ability to notice what is wrong, incongruent, or simply not working. And as icing on top of that cake, I'm far more arrogant than my friend, and I don't even think of this quality that we share as a flaw!

But she does, bless her heart, and she's constantly battling with herself, attempting to subdue her critical thinking. Can you imagine how disheartening it would be to constantly be swimming upstream against the current of your own temperament? Yikes. It exhausts me to even think about it.

So I listened, and empathized, and tried to normalize her inner tendencies by revealing that I had them too. I told her how strong I thought she was to have been fighting this inner battle for so many years.

I myself mostly gave up on stopping that train of thought years ago. I am far weaker than her, and not at all optimistic that I can stand on the track with my hand up and the giant locomotive of habitual thinking with years and years of momentum fueling it will just STOP. So instead of stopping it, I got this idea to just try rearranging the tracks a little bit - sort of create a curve that leads off into another direction so gently that the train hardly even notices.

So here's how my thought train sounds now, clickety clacking down the line:

He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - How should he do that instead? - What do I think would work better? - What would I do differently if I was him? - Why would I do it that way? - Can I really be sure it would work better for him to do it my way? - When it's my turn to make the choice I'll do it my way - Hey, look at that pretty bird (I'm frightfully distractable) - Glad I thought about how I'll do that if I ever get the chance - What's for dinner?

Here's the train chugging down the track in the fitting room:

I hate this dress on me - This dress looks terrible - I could never wear this dress - What do I hate about it? - Oh, the cut - What style would I like better? - I know, more fitted at the waist! - A fittted style would look much better on me - I'll leave this dress here and go ask the salesperson if they have any other styles.

Yeah, it starts with judgment. And then slowly but surely, it ends up pulling into a far more positive station, one where I don't mind getting off the train and resting a bit.

Okay, so here's my big aha. We've all heard that we are not supposed to judge. Most of the religions I know about give us a hefty dose of that advice. But here's the thing. Two things, actually.

One, it's not because judging is wrong and not judging is right and we'll be weighed and measured after we die and punished if we did it too much. It's because judging hurts our own feelings right in the moment we are doing it. Before it even gets to the other person, we've hurt ourselves. (oooh, cold hard corollary here: If I think I have been hurt by someone's judgment of me, I need to look again! It actually only hurts if I agree with their assessment. Truth is, I can only be hurt from the inside. This is where arrogance is really an asset! )

And two, we were meant to include ourselves in that recommendation; judging ourselves for being judgmental only intensifies our suffering. Forgiving ourselves, apologizing to others if necessary, and gently redirecting our course one railroad tie at a time feels a lot better and is more likely to be effective.

In his wonderful book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz recommends that we not even take the thoughts we hear in our own minds personally. Let 'em come, let 'em go, and then intentionally choose our actions based on our values. When we conduct our personal business in this way, judgmental thoughts are not a problem to be eliminated. They become like our own personal fireworks show-- entertaining us with a big bang and a colorful display before they twinkle and fade away.

words

my daughter is going into 8th grade, which has gotta be one of Dante's levels of hell. She sure is suffering while she works things out for herself socially. All I can do is rub her back and dry her tears and witness the fury and pain as it releases from her system. She rights herself much more quickly than I remember doing at her age. Heck, who am I kidding -- she's quicker than I am even now!!

While searching for some kind of lifeline to throw to her, I remembered a three part guideline I heard somewhere years ago, a sort of algorithm that helps us decide to speak or not. Thought I'd write it here since I will surely need to refer back to it myself:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

I think if I applied this filter, I'd be talking a whole lot less. True is not so much of a problem. Kind seems pretty clear too. I myself get real hung up on necessary. Necessary for what? For self-expression? For intimacy? For growth? For entertainment? Sometimes those seem to conflict with each other.

I suppose like most things, I just have to try it and see what happens. Maybe my mind is trying to make this more complicated than it really is. Maybe it's sort of like a Zen koan -- the gift is in the process of asking the question, not in the answer.

ps: quick update: I printed these three questions out several times in tiny font and left the page on her desk without a word. She came downstairs later and showed me with a shy grin that she had taped them to both her cell phone and her computer screen. Bless this kid's heart. She's gonna do just fine ...

love

hi! it's been a long time, huh? sheesh. what happened to all of june?

My colleague Robin and I have been totally immersed in writing the curriculum for our new parenting model, Connected Parenting. We taught it once and now are completely revising it before we teach it again starting in September. Lemme know if you are interested - we have two 5 week classes scheduled in Boulder -- one for parents of younger kids, and one for parents of teens. Sure, I'm biased, but I think it's a very powerful model. Parents are reporting profound changes in their family dynamics, and some say that power struggles have been almost completely eliminated since they began using our techniques. It's a very rewarding class to teach!

So that's awesome, and can I just tell you how deeply inspiring it is to have found my professional soul mate?

My creative partnership with Robin is absolutely seamless. When my words are stuck, she knows exactly what I mean to say, and says it better. I swear we are both dialed in to the exact same frequency, and we just race along the creative highway passing the baton off to each other effortlessly. I've never experienced anything like it!

So my writing energy has been joyfully dedicated to that project, and not to blogging. And might be for a while longer yet ...

(ps, if you are looking for a highly gifted psychotherapist in Boulder, I'd love to give you Robin's number!)

Today my friend deb's blog inspired me to git 'er done - to write just a little teeny bit on my blog, just to say hello. of course, once my lil ol opinions start flowing, it's hard to shut me up ...

anyhoo, I had a curious new experience the other day. Kevin told me he loved me, which he mentions with great devotion and frequency, bless his heart, and I felt a new reaction wake up inside me. I've never been the type to just parrot it back. I say it plenty, but only when it bubbles up from inside, never as a reaction to hearing it. I usually just smile and receive it joyfully.

but this time, I felt such overpowering delight that he was having the experience of love INSIDE him. It didn't even feel personal - not like he loved ME, rather that he simply LOVED. and it IS so wonderful to love.

I was happy to be an inspiration for that feeling within him, but I didn't give it any significance about me. It didn't mean I was lovable or good or whatever - it just meant that in that moment, his heart was open, and I happened to be in front of him to celebrate. I was just sort of an innocent bystander.

The source of Love was inside him, not between us. It's inside me, too, of course. That realization came to me years ago. But it was novel to witness that from the outside. And it was so poignant.

Love wasn't about where we've been or where we are headed together. It was just right there, in that moment, a joyful expansion of his heart. I felt honored to witness it. I knew I could take no credit for it, and therefore also no blame for times when he may not feel it.

And some kind of long-held belief in me about being responsible for helping/hurting others simply melted away, leaving just this moment and the joy of it - Love flowing freely through his heart, and my heart, and overflowing into the space between.

It was so pure, yet so impersonal. Weird, huh?

But I liked it a lot. It sort of changed everything. And at the same time, nothing has changed.

Maybe the stream of Love is just always flowing along, minding its own Love Business.

Sometimes we dip our toes in, and sometimes we dive deep, and sometimes we just shiver on the bank or wander off to drier territory.

The stream, well, it doesn't seem to mind much what we do.

Could be that it's having too much fun bubbling and babbling along on its way to the ocean to even notice ...

an easy way to improve your relationship

ooh, I couldn't have said this better myself, so I'll just send you over to Susan Page for a very quick read. Although this author writes and teaches about adult relationships, I found this posted on a parenting site because much of her advice works in that context, too.

http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/SPage03.htm

quotable

greetings!

I quote the wisdom of others every day. Lately I've been wondering how these quotes get captured and released into the big quote pool. Does some random third party fish it out of a book or article and share it? Does the quotee write it down and release it themselves? What's the mechanism of distribution?

I found myself wishing that some of my own words might one day swim in that pool of popular wisdom. (yeah, I know. not very humble, am I? but I coach others to dream big, so I gotta walk my own talk. LOL)

Last week I sent an email to a friend, and she wrote back saying she loved a particular phrase I wrote. And she quoted me! Well, as you can imagine, the glimmer of a golden opportunity caught my eye. So I'm shamelessly and ambitiously throwing this little guy into the pool, and we'll see if it's worthy of swimming with the big fish.

As long as I don't abandon myself, I'm in good company.
-karen alonge

Perhaps you have already discerned the context of my statement: when we look deeply into the nature of our relationships with others, we find the truth of impermanence. I've been told that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I can't know in advance which it will be, so I prefer to live each day as if it could be our last one together.

But there is one person who is guaranteed to be my lifetime companion -- ME. Therefore it seems logical to take full responsibility for nourishing and deepening my relationship with my Self. Being abundantly human, I have varying degrees of success with this.

I try not to betray my own integrity or truth in order to manipulate someone into approving of me. When I remember to, I forgive myself rather than turning on myself with anger, blame, or judgment. If I notice self-condemnation, I try to talk to myself like I would to a friend I really care about.

When I succeed, I notice something fascinating and empowering: It's not what happens out there with other people or circumstances that determines how I feel. It's what I think those things mean about ME.

When I am sure of who I am, I become anchored in joy and acceptance and cannot be blown about by the winds of opinion or accusation or intimidation. And if for whatever reason I do step away from my centered self temporarily, I know the way back.

so anyway, there you go. if you feel inspired to, please pass it on.

have a great day!

-karen

update from the synchronicity dept:

A friend called me from her cell phone a few hours after I emailed today's postcard. She was driving away from picking her child up at school, where she had casually spoken to another mom who mentioned that she was feeling inspired by an article she read today. My friend asked to hear more, and the other mom went on to quote from the article.

I bet you can see where this is going - the article was my postcard. I'm delighted to report that my wish to be quoted has already come true! Not only that, but several readers responded with offers to quote me elsewhere. This is so cool. Synchronicity rocks!! (and so does dreaming big ...)

thank you to everyone who passed it along. mwah!!

ideally ...

loved this quote from Abraham-Hicks:

This is what we see as an ideal relationship: Someone who has a majority of things, that I easily feel at ease with. Things I like. Not someone who satisfies me on every single level because expansion is fun, but someone with whom I can easily be comfortable. Someone, who like me, understands that they are an expanding being, who is eager about life, and eager about expanding and willing to keep up with who they are becoming.

- Abraham-Hicks
(www.abraham-hicks.com)

the giving tree

I am immersed in an intense challenge/opportunity these days which is consuming lots of my attention. An arrangement that I thought was a sure thing has collapsed. Silly of me, I know, to have slipped back into believing anything in life could actually be a SURE thing! How perfectly human of me.

Of course in the back of my mind I knew all along that the deal could go south, and I do believe that this change is part of a benevolent conspiracy on my behalf, but in the meantime, a massive leap of faith seems to be required of me. And I am having varying degrees of success mustering up the courage to jump. I keep wanting to force a solution so I can relax; tie it all up neatly in a bundle with a pretty bow and know just how it will all turn out.

As I say to my clients sometimes: good luck with that!

today I went googling for visual inspiration, and look what showed up:

the mighty and massive redwood tree

begins as this tiny little seedling (photo by Mark M. Mills)


... a more than adequate reminder that miracles happen every day, and that sometimes they require time to manifest in full splendor. The spirit of the redwood sings to me, "Patience, my child. Patience."

When I grow up, I want to be a tree. Mostly because all they do is just stay in one place and be themselves, and everything they need to grow and thrive comes to them. They don't have to go out and peruse the want ads for rain or sun or soil. They grow stronger through adversity - the more they learn to surrender to the force and direction of the wind, the stronger and more resilient they become.

Trees appear to die each winter, but it is just an illusion. There is life within them despite all indications to the contrary. When the conditions are proper, Life will come out from its hiding place and reveal itself again in brilliant green, tightly wound buds of pure potential.

Leaves grow and die and fall, and the tree does not kick and scream or argue or try to hold on to them - it must know somewhere deep in its roots that there will be more to come. The whole tree benefits from a good pruning; cutting away the limbs that are less than healthy strengthens the remaining branches.

And when its natural life cycle is finished, it offers its physical body as a contribution; becoming a home for other creatures, and eventually food for other living things. At every stage of its life, its individual existence is a gift to the magnificent Whole.

I wonder sometimes if it might possibly be that simple for me, too, if my mind and fears and control tactics did not get in the way and inhibit the natural flowing of life through me ...

imagine what would happen to the tree if it could think that it might make a mistake, or if it decided to manage its growth process by mapping out an action plan. could it ever hope to duplicate the perfection of the blueprint nature has painstakingly included in every cell of its being?

How likely is it that I was born less well equipped than a tree ... that my cells could lack the required information to support a perfect unfolding of my own life? Maybe I will just go sit in the sun for a while this afternoon and see what happens ...

evolving truth

a quote related to my 'knowing no-thing' post
from the Conversations with God books:

... their evolving truth about a thing differs from what they said their truth would always be. And so, they are deeply conflicted. What to obey — my truth, or my promise?

Advice?

Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal.

I would not ever want a person to keep their promise to me if it required them to violate their own integrity. Nor would I be in relationship with anyone who required that of me.

If we ask anyone to betray themselves for us, our 'love' is built upon a foundation of shifting sands: fear, resentment, and distrust. Yes, it is painfully human to want predictability and stability and all that good stuff. But can it truly be guaranteed, even with the best of intentions? the reality of life is that things, people, and situations change. seems to me that the only way to cope with that is to be willing to accept it.

the one commmitment I can make with full integrity to anyone is that I will share my evolving truth with them as I become aware of it. it's the only promise that I have any chance of keeping.

can true love exist without free will?

the nature of love online

I've been exchanging a series of fascinating emails with an author in Nigeria who contacted me after reading one of my articles about overcoming rejection. His niche is educating folks about the international scams being perpetuated upon unsuspecting online daters who believe they have fallen in love with someone from another country. Some kind of crisis happens and their beloved suddenly needs an infusion of cash, and before they know what hit their open hearts and wallets, they have lost thousands of dollars to a devastating and deliberately organized scheme. (his site is www.elovedeceptions.com)

He and I have been discussing what makes people so vulnerable to this scam. Here is an excerpt of my response to his question asking what I think the problem is with love online:
*******
the problem with love? there seems to be a presuppposition in the question
that I can't agree with. Love is just love. No problem there. but
attachment, need fulfillment, escape from loneliness, and other things that
masquerade as love, well, those might be problems for some, if they get them
confused with love.

I don't know about having trouble finding love in the real world. I
experience love all over the place ... under every rock it seems. If we
look at love as internal, as the lens through which we interact with the
world, then the problem is not out there. it's inside. so many don't know
how to connect with love on their own. not that I do it perfectly either, but at least I am aware of that and know to focus my attention on that instead of trying to get anyone else to do it for me. on my good days anyhow!!!

I think the popularity of online relationships has a lot to do with
projection. when you don't see someone in person, you can easily fill in
all the mysteries with your own ideals. and then it seems as though all of
your needs are met, and of course that feels great. like the words to that
song ... imaginary lovers never let you down.

what people are seeking is that feeling of being connected ... and they
think it is connection to another person, but really it is connection to
Love, the source of all consciousness.

so when they fall in love, they connect with their own hearts, and it feels great. I think maybe the best we can hope for in relationship is to consciously experience our individual connnections to Love together: my presence encourages you to connect with your heart, and yours encourages me to connect with mine, and then we can play together by creating on that mutual playground.

but lots of people don't ever realize that it's not the other person who is doing it for them. so when the Other goes away, in their grief or sadness or blame or resentment or whatever, they lose their connection with their own hearts, but think it is because of the absence of Other. and it's not.
*******
I'm grateful to Alan for giving me the opportunity to articulate this theory in this way. and I am curious to hear your thoughts on it as well ....

love is in the air

suddenly it seems that many of my friends who used to be single are in love. the blessed kind of love that is not a compromise, or a decision, or settling, or giving up or giving in. the kind that is clear and strong and without a doubt to be found. love that expands both lover and beloved, that encourages each to be more of who they already are when they are together. When I see it my heart just wants to burst with joy and gratitude. someday it will be my turn to experience this too...

for now, I'll just enjoy loving the Mystery as it manifests in these gorgeous red rocks in Sedona ...

regret

losing my personal wrestling match with regret tonight. yesterday I made a choice that seemed appropriate for me based on what I believed to be true at the time. today I feel heavy and burdened with second thoughts and doubts in hindsight.

I know better than to indulge in pursuing this line of painful thinking. heck, you all see me write about that all the time! but for whatever reason, I find myself mulling things over and over in my mind, like when I was a kid and lost a tooth and my tongue just couldn't help poking itself into the hollow crater.

The whole battle is internal, between parts of myself. It's not really about the choice I made. It's about not quite yet being able to accept and forgive myself for making it. I know intellectually that the remedy is to bring love and forgiveness to all the voices and pieces that make up the totality of my essence, and yet I have not done it.

wallowing is an interesting thing. I know better, but do it anyway. what's up with that? my pain will linger until my mind decides to jump this track and get back into alignment with thoughts of well being and trusting myself and the universe. pretty simple, really. but I have not yet made the decision to do it.

even though it is my work to know a million and one tricks to help other people release themselves from self-created suffering, here I am, feeling locked inside my own cage! I have to smile a little at the irony of that.

sometimes, the best thing to do is just go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and let sleep work its magic on my thoughts. in the morning, the birds will be singing, the sun will be dancing on my ceiling, and I just might wake up forgetting to be mad at myself.

postscript at dawn the next day:
well, the sun is indeed shining, and there are some cracks in my shell of heaviness which the light will soon penetrate and break open to reveal the tenderness and compassion within. I bet as soon as I take a walk with my friend this morning I'll feel much better. that's my second most reliable trick (sleeping it off being the first) -- listen to someone and pay more attention to them than to my own spinning thinking.

hope you have a good day today, and thank you for being here.

post postscript:
ahhh, the hot water of the shower (my third most reliable trick) seems to have loosened up even more of my awareness. I see more clearly what is keeping me stuck. I'm not trusting the universe at the moment, putting too much pressure on myself to know the outcome of my choices, which is impossible. Basically, the name of this gremlin is impatience. I want to know right now how it will all turn out, or even better, force it to turn out the way I prefer. I want to control and manage far more than is reasonable. And those desires have the same effect on me as if I was banging my poor head against a brick wall. Think I'll head on down the page here and re-read my post from the dating files. you know I write these far more for myself than for you, right? LOL
ta ta for now!

loving the mystery

a friend sent me this quote from the book Emptiness Dancing by Adyashanti.
so timely given what I've been pondering lately...

"When we are in relationship as our own radiant
emptiness, the relationship is beautiful because we
are being what we are. Essentially we are in love with
a mystery. Mystery is in love with itself. When this
mystery is in relationship with an other, whether the
so-called other is the flower, the bird, the wind, the
coldness, or a human being, it relates to these as an
expression of the same mystery.

This is true sacred relationship, when we see that we
are really in relationship with the manifestation of
the mystery: here as this, here as that, here as him,
here as her, here as coldness, here as bitterness,
here as sweetness.

To be in relationship in this way is simple. It is
humble. It is very intimate. Then you can meet another
person in a whole different way. You return to
something that is innocent, where you are finally
willing to tell the truth, not to hide, not to force
consciousness into some relationship agenda, but to
simply let it emerge."

the dating files

now that I have had a chance to swim a few laps in the online dating pool, I am cogitating another one of Karen's crackpot theories of life. it's about rejection. or not hitting it off. or not being compatible. or refusing to compromise. which could all be the same thing, more or less, depending on how you look at it. anyway, here's my theory:

it seems to me that the intensity of the reaction a person has to a 'rejection' is inversely proportional to the trust they have in their concept of a higher power. stay with me one this one ... I think I can link it all up so it makes sense.

let's say a person has little belief in anything more perceptive, orderly, or organized than himself. he does not pray or surrender or feel his connection to any type of creator/source/deeper order/life force. he relies only upon his thinking for guidance, and does not believe in any type of bigger picture than what he can perceive with his five senses.

when a person with that consciousness thinks he has met his one and only, but she does not share his perception, then everything goes out of whack in his world. his life feels wrong, like it is departing from its path. he tries to reason with her, to convince her that she should stay, that she is making a mistake, because without her, his life seems empty.

she may consider their plight to be a simple case of incompatibility in some important area, but he perceives a personal rejection, and feels as if there is something wrong with him that he needs to fix. I cannot imagine a more powerless and helpless position to be in than feeling like there is something wrong with you that will keep you from ever having what you want, and not knowing how or being able to force yourself to fix it.

by contrast, let's look in on a person of faith, be it religious, spiritual, or contemplative/experiential. when she gets the memo that a new prospect does not feel the same kind of potential for a healthy and growing partnership that she does, her reaction happens on a different level.

she may feel some grief or sadness, but she does not perceive his opinion as a statement of judgment about who she is. she does not go on a campaign to woo him back. she does not start a self-improvement campaign to fix all her flaws. she simply accepts that her time with him was brief, and her trust in a higher power allows her to relax, because she does not feel that she is at the wheel and took a wrong turn and had better get herself and him back on track.

she trusts that the partner she is seeking will not require convincing. she surrenders to the bigger plan, knowing she may only have the capacity to see a step or two ahead of where she is, but never doubting that she will arrive at her destination. aware of the comforting and continuous presence of her inner guide, she does not feel alone, abandoned, or out of place. she lets go, and allows herself to experience her emotional response to the loss, and then moves on.

so if I was going to give any advice to my fellow swimmers, it would be this. focus more of your energy on cultivating a relationship with a higher power bigger than your mind and senses, and less of your energy on finding your perfect match. then you can marvel in the graciousness of letting people come and go, as they are wired to do, and you will feel the freedom to do the same.