Greetings! Nothing fascinates me more than what and how we think, make choices, and relate to ourselves and to each other. I'm constantly dissecting our differences -- examining temperaments, aptitudes, strengths, personalities, and yes, even diagnoses –- and noticing that some people seem to react very differently than others in the same circumstances. My friend Charlie articulated our common interest well: Suffering, and the end of suffering. Yep, that's the name of my game. So anyway, I've been paying close attention to people for a long time, and I've noticed some patterns. Oh, wait, I better get my agenda out on the table first: I study suffering and the end of suffering because I hope to make a contribution to the latter. Sure, my desire could be delusional, naively optimistic, arrogant or all of the above plus more. And all I can tell you is that I've alleviated a great deal of my own suffering simply by changing my mind. I am incredibly grateful to all the folks who taught me how and what to change, and I hope to pay it forward by doing the same for somebody somewhere someday. Maybe even you! Since it's the holiday season and everybody is busy, I'll just quickly share my version of the formula for creating suffering or the end of suffering. In future articles, I'll show you how to change the variables and therefore change your experience of the outcome. your core beliefs + the data = your interpretation your interpretation > reality your interpretation --> your feelings your core beliefs + the data = your interpretation examples of core beliefs: I'm not good enough. I can't do this right. No one cares about me. I don't matter. I'm trying my best. I accept and forgive myself. I'm resourceful and resilient. I can learn from this. The data is simply the facts as a neutral third party observer would report them. No emotions or intentions are attributed. Together they add up to your interpretation. Be aware that they combine quickly and seamlessly and automatically, which makes it virtually impossible for us to report just the facts of a situation if we have any kind of mental, physical, or emotional investment in it. It's as if we are wearing glasses made of our core beliefs, which color the data before it even enters our brains for processing. your interpretation > reality Our interpretation then becomes greater than any other reality for us, and we are likely to resist or ignore any further data if it conflicts with what we now believe to be true. We see what we believe, not the other way around. your interpretation --> your feelings Only now do emotions and feelings arise. Notice that they are not in response to the data! They are now based upon the interpretation we believe to be the truth. Sometimes we use our feelings to prove that we are right. "He must have been trying to make me angry because I AM angry!" But oops, sorry, that just doesn't add up. Your anger is a response to your interpretation of his actions, not his actions alone. You have added meaning that may or may not have been coming from him, and you are reacting to that meaning as if it is true, without verifying it. Here's an example: Your core belief: People will walk all over me if I don't protect myself. + The facts: A car changes lanes and ends up in front of you. = interpretation: You think he cut you off in order to get ahead of you in traffic. --> The feeling: Rage. Feeling victimized, violated, and targeted may lead to rude gestures, tailgating, or other unsafe behavior. You are suffering. And it's not the other driver's fault! When we think that our feelings are at the mercy of the actions of others, we feel powerless. And we suffer. When we realize that our feelings are the result of the formula, we can change some of the variables and take our power back. And end our suffering. When you are spending time with your family over the holidays, see if you can observe this formula working behind the scenes, and let me know what you notice. I'll be back in 2007 with more about how to change those variables. Happy Holidays! :)karen ps: I offer intuitive counseling by telephone and email. If you'd like some individualized guidance and support to help you consciously apply this formula, let's talk! http://www.karenalonge.com

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